The Three Wackos And The Lord Of The Bookmarks
by The Three Wackos and Company
Summary: During a freak library accident the Three Wackos are transported into the world of Middle Earth. Only one thing to say, Middle Earth will never be the same. The final two chapters now up!
1. Chapter I “A Word About Wackos”

Disclaimer: I don't think I really own anything from this story except myself and my writing style. Star Wars, Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, are works of other people who have more money than I do. Come to think about it, I don't even own the Three Wackos! But I am friends with them… So with all of that legal stuff out of the way, just relax and enjoy the story and try not to think too much about how illegal it is.

I entered the dark chamber of room 114, the TV Production Lab. Under the teachings of Mr. Witikko (or Herr Weh as his German students called him), I have spent four years returning to this room for the High School TV Production Class, which by the fourth year, I was now a professional. If such madness doesn't sound crazy enough, I was the only student in history to have the audacity to have Herr Weh three classes a day (TV Production, English, and German III) on purpose.

But whatever the reason (maybe I'm just sick in the head or have been under the hypnosis of Herr Weh's mystical powers) is not important! So stop letting me get on a tangent and let me continue the story!

Anyways, I entered the dark chamber of room 114, the TV Production Lab. In my hand was a TV project that encompassed only a lot of my final grade. As I cautiously walked into the room, it appeared momentarily empty, save for the coffee cup that resided above one of the TV monitors.

_He's late!_ I thought to myself. _He can't be late, the absolute deadline to turn in this project is in two minutes! Where can he be?_

With little further options, I am left with no choice but to perform the Herr Weh Call of Doom.

"Holla, me mono es en fuego en el bano!" (Spanish: Hello, my monkey is in flames in the bathroom)

Herr Weh seemed to materialized out of nowhere as he emerged from behind the door and stopped right in front of my face.

"Was quarch hast du denn gesprochen?" (German: What garbage did you just speak?)

Sheepishly, I try to break the embarrassing subject of a German student speaking Spanish and try to bring the conversation to more pressing matters. In the few inches between Herr Weh's face and mine, I pulled my project tape into view of his large eyes.

"I…I have my project done." I said.

"Great! Splendid! Lemmie see!" He replied, snatching the tape from my hands. "I'll order some popcorn! What is the project about?"

"Well, it's kind of a story," I lied. And pressing play on the VCR, the project begins. "And it goes a little something like this."

From there, there was nothing left to do but watch and chug down popcorn. Now because it would be boring and confusing to you, the reader, to narrate my project; I now present to you, the official story in third person for your viewing pleasure. So sit back, relax, and please enjoy:

The Three Wackos And The Lord Of The Bookmarks

**Chapter I- "A Word About Wackos"**

Once upon a time, there was a famous TV Production student who had a super large project that he needed to do. Now because he was in the school's play (which was directed by a particular TV Production, English, and German Teacher), This TV Production student who will henceforth be dubbed Scott found little available time to complete the project. Case in point, Scott found himself a day before the project deadline lugging a camera to the Library to do an exciting documentary of library books (minus the "exciting").

While setting up the camera, a fellow classmate skipped around the corner and frolicked into the same isle. Scott identified this student as Jessie, a fellow classmate.

"Hello." Scott politely greeted, despite cursing the tripod he was trying to open under his breath.

"He-lloooo" Jessie merrily replied. And with a high pitched squeak, she pulled out a random book from the shelf.

Off in the distance, two more students could be heard arguing about something as they approached Scott and Jessie's location. Scott didn't need to see them to determine that the voices belonged to Matt and Kana, two more of Scott's classmates.

"Jessie!" The two greeted in equally high pitched voices.

"Kana!" Jessie cheerfully greeted. "Matt!" In a not as cheerful tone.

"Hello Scott!" Kana greeted and the trio turned and waved to Scott with wide grins and frantic hand waving.

The slightly scarred Scott returned the greeting, and then continued his futile attempt to pry the tripod open.

Returning to the conversation at hand, Kana crossed over to Jessie's side.

"Jez," Kana whimpered. "Punch Matt, he's not being very nice."

"What did he do this time?" Jessie asked.

Kana motioned to the "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Book" Matt was holding and directed her attention to the bookmark sandwiched in the middle of it.

"Matt got a new bookmark and he won't let me see it." Kana pleaded.

"If I do, I'll never see it again!" Matt defended.

"Let's see it!" Jez demanded.

"Why should I?" Matt asked.

Jessie opened her fist to reveal a full set of claws (any other person might have called them fingernails).

"Good enough." Matt gulped.

He pulled the bookmark out of the page and lifted it high so that everyone in the isle could see. It was a Lord of the Rings bookmark with a full body graphic of Legolas. Extending form the top was a green string which housed a small "The One Ring" replica and ended in a tassel.

"Legolas!" Kana screamed.

"Tassel!" Jessie exclaimed.

"The One Ring!" Matt noticed.

Matt proceeded to place the shinny ring around his pinkeye finger (as it was the only finger it fit on) but was immediately attacked by Kana and Jez.

Scott watched with one eyebrow raised as the three wrestled on the floor.

"I want to see Legolas!"

"I want to see the tassel!"

"No, it's my precious!"

With the skill of a veteran cameraman, Scott gracefully dropped the cursed tripod and pulled his video camera into record mode.

In the midst of the squabble, the bookmark flew out of the battle and under the bookshelf. With no further thinking, the three immediately stretched their arms for the bookmark, causing the bookshelf to lose balance.

The Three Wackos were so intent on grabbing the bookmark, and Scott was too busy filming, that everyone failed to notice the bookshelf as it began to fall in on them. In a matter of seconds, gravity took hold, and the bookshelf came crashing in on the four.

But just before the shelf engulfed the students, a large flash of light flickered throughout the library.

Startled, the librarian sprinted to the sound of the collapse. All over the floor was a pile of books smothered by the large bookshelf. She could have sworn that she heard voices coming from this very isle, but there was no one in sight.

At the bottom of the pile was one particular book that, unlike all the others, laid on the floor opened. The librarian inspected the book for damage, and then took one look at the title before putting it onto the shelf. The cover was labeled in a bright gold lettering, "Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien."

Well folks that's all for now. We (we being, Matt) decided we would post this to give you something to read in-between updates of The Village Idiot fic. Our good friend Scott wrote this entire fic (the only reason our names are going to be on the bottom is because it is a Wacko fic). He did an excellent job and we hope you enjoy it! And no this doesn't necessarily mean there will be an update to The Village Idiot fic soon. Thanks for reading!

Kana, Matt, Jez, Scott


	2. Chapter II “One Bookmark to Rule Them Al...

Disclaimer: I don't think I really own anything from this story except myself and my writing style. Star Wars, Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, are works of other people who have more money than I do. Come to think about it, I don't even own the Three Wackos! But I am friends with them… So with all of that legal stuff out of the way, just relax and enjoy the story and try not to think too much about how illegal it is.

**Chapter II- "One Bookmark to Rule Them All"**

The darkness turned to a bright white.

As if it was coming from directly above her, Kana thought she heard a voice chanting something in a different language. Slowly, as Kana regained conscience, she was able to see a figure standing before her.

More seconds pass, and Kana realizes that she is lying on a bed, in the middle of a very bright room. After a few more seconds, features of the person's face came to view. Focusing her eyes, Kana was able to figure out that it was a man.

Acting on impulse alone, Kana jumped out of the bed with a loud "Eeep!" and made a brake for the door. It was locked.

"Wait, where are you going?" The figure called.

"You can't lock me in here!" Kana replied forcefully. "You're not even Russian!"

The man gave a confused look and then began walking towards her. This reminded Kana of a Frankenstein movie, only this creature was a little cuter.

"It's alright." Came another, older, voice.

"Where…where am I?" Kana asked a little nervous to be locked in a room with two people.

"You are in the house of Elrond, in the land of Rivendell." The old man replied, his voice a lot calmer than the other man's.

Kana tried, but could not recall learning about a Rivendell in Geography Class, all she could really remember was the cute student teacher.

"Just take it easy." The younger man said. "My name is Elrond, you are in my house."

This statement was not the least bit comforting to Kana. In fact, judging by the fact that the younger of the two men still looked like he was in his late forties only seemed to make the situation worse.

"Eww, let me out you pervert!" Kana yelled as she began to run haphazard circles around the room. The man called Elrond attempted to chase after her, which only made the other man chuckle. It wasn't until Kana dodged left and sent Elrond flying into the other man's hat that the older man demanded for order.

Kana stopped while Elrond fell to the floor. The older man walked to his pancaked hat and dusted it off.

"Just had this pressed…" he muttered.

Turning to see Kana's big eyes, the older man cleared his throat.

"Well, it seems that you have recovered well. Do you know where you are?"

"In Rivendell!" Kana happily replied.

"And do you know where Rivendell is?"

Kana shook her head no, frantically.

"Hmm, just as I predicted… Yesterday, I found you and three others lying unconscious in a poison lily bush. Each of you were holding on to something that I had never seen before in this age of Middle Earth. You in particular were holding this…"

The old man gave Kana a small piece of paper with a picture of Legolas on it. It looked a lot like a mangled version of Matt's bookmark.

From the farthest reaches of her mind, random bits of knowledge miraculously came together to form one complete thought. It all made sense!

"I'm in a bookstore!" She proudly exclaimed.

"No, you are in Middle Earth!" The older man sighed.

"That was my second guess." Kana mumbled. "But If I'm in Middle Earth…then you must be Gandalf the Grey!"

"I have many names, but that is one of them, yes." Gandalf replied, a small twinkle of happiness and relief in his eye. "Now about your friends…"

"Yes, show me the Elves!"

"No, I'm talking about your other friends."

"Fabio?"

"No."

"Ewan?"

"No."

"Rod Stweart?"

"Er..um..no…?"

"Um…"

"I believe they were named Matt, Jez, and Scott."

"Oh! Those other friends!"

"Yes!"

"Yes?"

"Yes…"

"No!"

"Yes?"

"Great! Where are they?"

Gandalf took a couple moments to regain a normal flow of brain cells before answering. "They're roaming the halls right about now. Matt and Jez are opening random doors and saying hello to the people inside and then leaving. It's quite fascinating really."

"Didn't you say there was a fourth…"

"Yes…" Gandalf said quite sadly. "I'm afraid that the fourth of your group is still in the infirmary. He's babbling incoherently about a project that needs to be finish and a falling bookshelf of death."

"He'll be all right," Kana cheerfully replied. "Matt, Jez, and I do that a lot, and look how healthy we are!"

Gandalf raised an eyebrow and decided to take her word for it. "Unfortunately, once hearing about where he was, he ran off. That's why we had to lock the door on you. We have a small search party looking for him. I'm sure that in time, he will be alright."

"Okies," said Kana, and with that, was off to find the rest of the Wackos.

'And lo!' in no time at all Kana caught up to her friends. Actually, she followed the sound of screaming elves, but the point is that she found them.

"This is so much fun!" Exclaimed Jez as she opened another random door.

"This must be why everyone back at home locks their doors," said Matt, just closing another door.

"New comers," called Elrond from a distance. "Now that you are recovering well, I must ask that you follow me to the Garden of Elrond, we have many important issues that need to be discussed."

The Three Wackos followed Elrond, happily frolicking along the way, stopping only when Elrond looked back at them.

"I remember this part!" exclaimed Matt as he dashed to the center of the Garden of Elrond. "This is just like in Lord of the Twinkies, when-"

_"Stop! Stop! Stop!"_ Called a voice from no particular location. _"Stop ruining the plotline, 'Lord of the Twinkies' hasn't happened yet!"_

_"Wait!"_ came a second voice. _"We've used this joke already!"_

_"We have?"_

_"Yes, in the 'Village Idiot' story!"_

_"I thought that was in the 'Jedi Temple' tale?"_

_"No! It was definitely in the 'Village Idiot' you idiot!"_

_"We'll there's no need to get personal."_

_"Never mind, we have to figure out how are we going to fix the timeline now!"_

_"Who exactly are 'we' anyway?"_

_"We are no one and yet everyone at the same time!"_

_"Oh, that makes sense."_

_"Stop it! Our dialoged is wasting precious space!"_

_"Is this a good time for me to share my theory on the Space-Time Continuum?"_

_"No! If there was ever a bad place for it, it would be now!"_

_"That's not what you said when your family came over for Thanksgiving."_

_"Now is not the time for that! We have a timeline that needs to be repaired!"_

_"What happens if we don't?"_

_"Then we will be opening up a can of Evil Plot Bunnies, and Plot Bunnies multiply! And do you know what multiple Evil Plot Bunnies do to the timeline?"_

_"Urinate all over the place?"_

_"Well... maybe…I don't really know either. But it's really BAD!"_

_"Cool!"_

_"No! Not cool! And stop eating up space with one word dialogue! Say something constructive or don't say anything at all!"_

_"…"_

_"Okay then. Now, I declare, being of no one and yet everyone in particular, henceforth declare that the mention of 'Lord of the Twinkies' has not happened. And furthermore, any actions of mentioning potential future Wacko stories is punishable by the Direct Object Quiz of Doom. So, let's try this again…' _

"I remember this part!" exclaimed Matt as he dashed to the center of the Garden of Elrond. "This is just like that one time we went on an adventure that hasn't happened yet, but will happen, so I don't really…. I remember this part from the movie!"

_"Much better. Carry on."_

"I remember this part!" exclaimed Matt as he dashed to the center of the Garden of Elrond. "I remember this part from the movie! We're going to have a meeting about 'The One Ring' and we form the Fellowship of the Ring. With Aragon and Gimly and-"

"And Legolas!" Kana shrieked excitedly.

"I'm afraid I have no idea what you are babbling about." Said Elrond with a sigh. "But we do have quite an important topic to discuss. Please take a seat."

Jez and Kana found a nice chair, but Matt insisted on sitting in the biggest one at the heart of the outdoor meeting room. Elrond slapped him on the head. When Matt failed to move, Elrond picked him up and sat him down next to Jez, and then sat at the big chair.

"Selfish." Matt muttered under his breath.

Elrond gave him a perturbed look and continued.

"Strange things have been happening lately. A dark wind sweeps through the land of Middle Earth. Earthquakes shake the land of Rohan. Random fires have erupted in Gondor. The river of Isen reeks of darkness. The forest of Mirkwood is surrounded by a dark fog. And a woman in Hobbiton has given birth to two cows. We're still investigating that last one, but none the less, evil is afoot."

"And let me guess," said Jez. "You believe it is the Dark Lord Sauron from Mordor."

"Again, you speak in an obscure tongue. I believe you are referring to the evil emperor who lives in Al'Gore."

"Al Gore is an Emperor here?" Matt asked.

"Silence! We call him 'He who is not to be named' in this age." Said Elrond gravely.

"And he lives in Mordor?" Kana asked.

"No, the dark land of Al'Gore." Elrond corrected.

"But I thought we couldn't say his name?" Jess inquired.

"'He who must not be named' lives in a land that is the same as his name, yes." Elrond replied, his hand suppressing a twitch in his forehead.

"But we can't say 'his' name, but we can say the name of the land that he lives in, which is the same as his name."

"Yes!" Replied Elrond, amazed that this simple issue was causing so much confusion.

"I'm confused." The Three Wackos said in unison. This sent a small shiver up Elrond's spine.

"It's politics!" Elrond explained.

"Oh, why didn't you just say so?" Kana asked

"Why are you giving us so much information?" Jez inquired.

"Why is poop brown?" Matt asked.

Elrond grabbed a rock and screamed into it. Feeling relieved, he continued. "I see that we may need to backtrack a little. Many years ago, 'He who must not be named' entered our land. He tricked poor Macintosh users to join him under the impression that it was he who invented the Internet. The Mac users, over time, mutated into what we now call Orcs.

"Despite the injustice, the rest of middle Earth and the Dwellers of Al'Gore lived in perfect harmony for many years. One day, as a great sign of his friendship to the rest of the races of Middle Earth, 'He who must not be named' sent books to the leaders of all of the species. But they were all of them, deceived. For a bookmark was forged in the land of Al'Gore. As the legend states,

'_Three Books_ _to the Elvin-kings who lived under the Sky,_

_Seven Books For the Dwarf-lords in their malls of stone,_

_Nine Books to the Palm-Beach Re-counters doomed to cry,_

_And one, one Bookmark for the Emperor_

_ who sits at his dark throne,_

_In the land of Al'Gore where shadows lie._

_One Bookmark to rule them all._

_One Bookmark to mark them. _

_One Bookmark to find them._

_One Bookmark to bring them all, and in the darkness, bind them._

_In the land of Al'Gore where shadows lie.'_

So tells the legend."

"Wow! Are you saying that Al Gore actually invented the bookmark?" Asked Matt.

"No," Replied Elrond, slightly cringing at the sound of the emperor's name. "But the only person who knows the truth…well…was met with a sad fate." And with that, Elrond's eyes began to water. "The bookmark was forged in the fires of Mount Dune (just because he was a malevolent politician doesn't mean that he didn't have a taste for good literature). Within it, he instilled the image of the person he was most jealous of, a shinny ring bearing the coded text of his mission statement, and a tassel just for good fun."

With that, Elrond placed three objects on the table before the three Wackos, and everyone instantly recognized the objects as components to Matt's bookmark.

"Sure enough, when the leaders began to read the books, they had problems finding what page they were on when they needed to stop reading for the day. When the learned about the Emperor's sinister deed of creating a bookmark for himself, the leaders united in War.

"In the greatest battle over the internet, the Dell Elves, the Gateway Dwarfs, and the Compaq Humans united to form one grand army. One by one, the Orcs fell to the power of PC Computers. In a man to man struggle, a small strike force fought their way into Al'Gore and took the Emperor's Bookmark. Grieving for the loss of his bookmark and lamenting the loosing battle, the Emperor spent the last of his campaign funds to launch the ultimate virus that destroyed every computer in Middle Earth.

"Fortunately, we were able to move on with our lives without computers, but the bookmark was a completely different story. Because there were nineteen leaders and only one bookmark, the three races could not agree on who was to own the One Bookmark. It was Gandalf who had the idea to send the bookmark to a far away world.

"Do you now see where this discussion is leading?"

Elrond looked up to see Kana and Jez napping on their seats. Only Matt seemed to hold any interest.

"You live in a world without computers?" Matt asked.

"Yes, but that is not the point," replied Elrond. "Do you know what three items you see before you?"

"Yeah, that's my bookmark! You broke it!"

Elrond felt the twitch returning. "Don't you see? Gandalf sent the bookmark to your world! So that it would be safe! But now, it has returned here."

"Does that mean we're on a different planet?" Matt asked.

"Well…no…maybe. I know enough to know that you three and the other are not from around here. But that's off subject and this explanation is going on its second page. Do you see the path that lies before you three?"

"Is it the Yellow Brick Road?"

"We are already treading dangerous copyright laws in this story as it is. Please refrain from making jokes of movies not mentioned in the disclaimer. And furthermore, you are absolutely wrong. You three must take these three separate pieces of The One Bookmark to the fires of Mount Dune in the land of Al'Gore and drop them into the fire!"

"That was my second guess." Matt sheepishly replied.

"Wait a second! Wait a second!" Came a voice from the bushes. A person in a platypus costume and holding a camera came into view. "Sorry to interrupt such a precious moment, but my battery is running low. Do you have a power outlet I can use somewhere."

"Scott?" Jez, who along with Kana was now awake from the new plot twist, asked the platypus.

"No…I have absolutely no idea who this 'Scott' person is." Scott lied. "I am a platypus, an indigenous species to Middle Earth. Feel free to ignore me and the camera unless I ask for an interview."

"Okies." The Three Wackos replied, and then proceeded to forget that Scott was there.

"You can use the outlet that powers the fountain over there." Elrond replied, not falling for Scott's trick.

"Thanks, carry on." Scott replied, and proceeded to waddle on two webbed feet to the fountain.

"The three…er…four of you will take these three pieces of The One Bookmark to Al'Gore and toss it into the fires of Mount Dune. But the journey there will be far from Easy. The Emperor's campaign funds have been restored, and he has recruited the help of Saruman the White Wizard to help him attain the two things that he wants most of all right now."

"To look as cute as Legolas?" asked Kana.

"To play with a tassle?" asked Jez.

"To play with the shiny ring?" asked Matt.

"Well, yes all of those things, but specifically to become ruler of all of Middle Earth, and to once again own his bookmark. He will stop at nothing. Galdalf has also informed me that Saruman is breeding an army of Orcs in his castle at Isenguard. A second war is coming, and this time, I fear that we will not win unless that bookmark is vanquished."

"How does that work?" Jez asked.

"It's politics again." Elrond replied.

To Elrond's great delight, the Three Wackos and the Platypus responded with a comprehending "ohh."

"The road will not be easy," Gandalf chimed in, from behind the group. "And there is little chance that you will survive. But by what Elrond and I have seen, that doesn't seem to stop you. In a strange and twisted sense, you are Middle Earth's last chance to survive. So the one question remains, will the four of you rid Al'Gore and save the planet?"

"Sure!" exclaimed Jez.

"Sounds like fun!" Kana commented.

"I'm game" Matt agreed.

"I believe the words our heroes are searching for," Scott said to the Camera "Is that we will brave the journey…but we do not know the way." Scott winked. "Saw the movie several times." He whispered.

"Yes, the…platypus brings up a good point. You are strangers to Middle Earth (at least I think you are). And with the return of the Bookmark to Middle Earth, much of the Continuum has been warped. Gandalf will lead the four of you to Al'Gore. But with you I also send the four mentors who are also not quite of this realm."

"Mentors?" Jez asked,

"Not of this realm?" Matt inquired.  
"Supporting Actors…" Scott said with interest.

"Are they guys? Are they Russian? Are they cute?" Kana asked.

"Must you all comment on everything?" Elrond asked

"These are strange creatures indeed." replied Gandalf. "Now if you will all close your eyes, I will present to you your mentors. First, for you Scott."

"Shh! I am a platypus, an indigenous species to Middle Earth." Scott Corrected.

"Very well then, first you…Indigenous Platypus with the video camera. Open your eyes."

Scott opened his eyes and almost squealed with delight. "Spock! What are you doing here?"

"I have yet to calculate the exact logical details, but it seems that we have all been brought here for the purpose of saving the Space/Time Continuum. To be honest, this endeavor seems…quite fascinating." Spock replied

"Your mentor is next, Matt" Gandalf invited.

Matt too opened his eyes and jumped for joy.

"Yoda!" Matt exclaimed.

"Greetings, I give. A great adventure we are embarking on, yess." Yoda replied."

"And now for you, Kana." Gandalf encouraged.

"Oh-my-goodness! I can't believe this is " Kana trailed off into incoherent squeaks at her excitement of seeing a young Obi-Wan Kenobi.

"Pleased to meet you again." Obi-Wan said a little nervously. Kana simply jumped into his arms.

"And that leaves you, Jez." Gandalf concluded.

_Please be Johnny Depp, Please be Johnny Depp!_ Jez Thought to herself. With great excitement, Jez opened her eyes to see…nothing. She looked to her left, then to her right, but it wasn't until she looked down that she discovered her mentor.

"Hello nice Jez. Very pleased we are to be meeting you." greeted Gollum.

"Eww, eww, eww!" Jez screamed as she jumped away from the pale and skinny creature. Gollum continued to look back at her with big twinkling eyes.

"Nice, Jez. She will learn to like us she will. _Gollum._ We will helps the Wackos, yes we will."

"And with that," Gandalf concluded. "I do believe that we are ready to begin our journey."

"We will follows yous to the end of the world." Gollum exclaimed.

"And you have my Logic." Spock said.

"And my powers" Yoda chimed in.

"And my Lightsaber." Obi-Wan concluded.

"Then it is settled." Elrond said, relieved to get rid of everyone. "You nine shall be the fellowship of Bookmark."

"Whoo-hoo!" Yelled Jez.

"Yipee-Skippy!" Kana proclaimed.

"Hot-Dog!" Matt shouted.

"A-yippee-yio-ya!" Scott cheered.

Elrond was quickly reminded of his twitch and the four mentors (except really Gollum) began to consider why they volunteered for this.

"And so our Journey begins." Gandalf muttered, a hint of excitement shinning in his eyes.

Well folks that's all for now! We hope you've enjoyed the newest chapter and we hope to post another one sometime Thursday. So look forward to that. Don't forget to leave us a review on your way out.

Kana, Matt, Jez, Scott


	3. Chapter III “The Mall of Moria”

Disclaimer: I don't think I really own anything from this story except myself and my writing style. Star Wars, Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, are works of other people who have more money than I do. Come to think about it, I don't even own the Three Wackos! But I am friends with them… So with all of that legal stuff out of the way, just relax and enjoy the story and try not to think too much about how illegal it is.

**Chapter III- "The Mall of Moria"**

"And so begins the first day of our mission." Scott reported to his camera. "Though nothing incredibly exciting has happened yet, danger lurks at every corner, and you can never know what adventures lay just around the corner, especially at our next destination of…. Of…" Scott Stopped recording for a second. "Hey Gandalf! What perilous location are we traversing through first?"

"Perilous?" Gandalf replied. "As far as I can tell, there is nothing dangerous about the Mall of Moria, the home of the Dwarfs."

"We're going to a mall?" Scott replied quizzically.

"Only the biggest mall in Middle Earth. It even has an indoor theme park."

"Are we going because we need to purchase heavy combat weapons to vanquish the forces of evil?"

"Umm…no. But I have this gift card, and I was figuring that while we were in town… Well how would you feel if you have to wear this disheveled and itchy robe? It's even starting to give me a rash on my-"

"You're point is well seen!" Scott replied quickly. After that information overload, Scott restarted the camera. "Who knows what danger awaits us after our quick hygienically stop at the local mall."

"Hmm, stopping at a mall for dwarfs we are." Yoda thought in awe.

"Yes, youse should be fitting right in." Gollum said.

"Speak for yourself, you should." Yoda replied, a little perturbed. Then Yoda playfully stuck out his little tongue.

"He insults us!" Gollum declared. "But we are strongers than the little dwarf." With that, Gollum attempted to make himself taller by actually trying to stand on his legs. Yoda responded by lifting himself with the Force. Gollum stretch a little more and Yoda concentrated on lifting himself higher. They were about at equal height when Gollum's legs gave up and Yoda's age caught up with him. They fell at the same time.

After seeing how far behind they had fallen, the two began to sprint to the rest of the pack, which wasn't very fast.

The Mall of Moria was very easy to spot. The entire super center had been built within a large mountain. Spock was initially worried, however, when they came to the door and he walked into it.

"Fascinating, I believe this entrance's automatic opening sensor is malfunctioning." He replied, rubbing his forehead.

"No, no, no. No tricks. It's simple really." Gandalf replied, pointing to a coded sign above the door. "All you have to do is speak the password."

"What does it say?" Jez asked, twisting her head sideways to try and decipher the words.

"You probably don't recognize Elvish. It's a riddle that reads '_Welcome to the Mall of Moria. Speak friend, and Enter_'. "

"Oh, let me! Let me!" Matt eagerly called as he pulled out his Elvish dictionary out of nowhere. "Let's see…'friend' how do you say 'friend'… oh! Here we go!" Matt stood on a rock so that all could see him. "_Mel-lon_"he called. Nothing happened. "_Mel-lon_"he tried again.

"Remind me next adventure not to tell you anything," Gandalf said while pulling Matt down from the rock. "You're going to embarrass us. You see, Dwarfs in this age of time have a different language." Gandalf pulled out his wallet and revealed his Visa Card. Gandalf walked to the door and waved his credit card in front of the entrance. The doors quickly opened. "You are about to see the greatest shopping center in all of Middle Earth." Gandalf invited as they walked in. "The last sign of our once modern life lies here. Look around you! All the lights, the sounds, the sales, the…the vandalized stores and empty shelves?"

Gandalf stopped and looked around. The once buzzing mall that he remembered was completely devoid of activity. All of the stores were boarded up and broken glass laid everywhere. All the lights were off, but there was enough visibility to show that all of the store shelves were empty.

"Matt, Kana, look!" Jez called, and the three ran ahead to a large empty store.

"No!" Matt called desperately, and Kana fought back tears. Jessie picked up the store logo from the floor to confirm the loss. When the dust cleared, all could see the crushed logo of "Barnes and Noble Bookstore."

"Echo!" Gollum yelled. "Echo-echo-echo."

"Echo!" Yoda said in competition. "Echo-echo-echo-echo-echo-echo-echo."

"You cheats!" Gollum accused.

"Do not." Yoda lied, for he had used the Force to travel his sound.

Gollum grabbed a rock and tossed it at Yoda. Yoda forced pushed it back. Gollum caught it and threw two rocks back. Yoda force pulled all of the pebbles in the area and Force-built a large bolder.

"Oh oh." Gollum said, and quickly dodged the projectile. The bolder flew through a broken window and into the Dollar Store, where it impacted a shelf. That shelf hit another, which hit another, which fell through the wall and into Barnes and Noble, where the domino effect continued. "Thud! Thud! Thud!" The sounds reverberated thought the entire mall.

Yoda and Gollum placed an arm around each other's back and gave a wide smile as Gandalf came storming towards them.

"What on earth is happing here!" Gandalf demanded. The sound of falling shelves continued to resonate in the background. Without saying another word, the two pointed at each other.

Gandalf threw his hands up into the air in despair. "Why do I even ask?"

"It's your fault." Gollum whispered.

"Stated it you did." Yoda replied.

"Oh no we did not." Gollum defended.

"Oh yesssss, you did." Yoda replied.

"Did nots!"

"Too dids!"

"Did nots!"

"Too dids!"

The argument was interrupted when an arrow whizzed right between them.

"Found someone I should think." Yoda whispered.

"Runs, we must!" Gollum gulped. And the two started waddling away as fast as they could, just missing a sudden barrage of arrows.

The Three Wackos bowed their heads in silence, while Scott filmed the damage and Spock tricordered the wreckage. Obi-Wan walked towards the group and Kana sobbed into him. Obi-Wan rolled his eyes.

"I'm afraid that we must be going now." Gandalf called. "Something about this plays reeks of bad karma." Just then, he tripped over a skeleton. "See what I mean?"

"Run! Run we must!" Yoda's voice said off in the distance.

"Yes, leave now and never come back, we must!" Gollum called.

The two approached the rest of the fellowship and nearly passed out.

"Arrows, they attacks us!" Gollum panted.

"From everywhere, they came, yess." Yoda added.

"I don't see anything." Gandalf noted. But the look on Obi-Wan and Spock's face said otherwise. At that very instant, a horn was sounded, and dozens of figures approached from the distance. He quickly recognized them as Orcs. "Everybody Run!"

Gandalf picked up Yoda, and Spock grabbed Gollum. Just as dozens of fire arrows came flying their way. The fellowship, led by the wackos, ran in haphazard vectors, through the plastic trees and hurdling over the benches.

"A chase scene!" Scott eagerly noted to himself.

The fellowship made their way to the food court, and stopped. The Orcs that were once chasing them with great vigor had abruptly stopped.

"Bad karma." Gandalf repeated.

At that very moment, loud footsteps came from McDonalds. And they were getting louder. A large, fiery figure pummeled its way into the Food Court, and yelled a mutated "_Squeeeeaaak_!"

"The Mall Rat." Gandalf somberly said with great surprise.

That large and furry rodent looked around with his blood red eyes and saw the fellowship. The creature turned around and raised its tail.

"Keep running!" Gandalf yelled. And the rest of the group needed little further persuasion as the large rodent released a large flatulent fireball. The explosion hit a water pipe and the Food Court was quickly flooded. Skipping on the tables, the fellowship headed towards Sears, the last remaining exit.

Obi-Wan was the nimblest of all, and safely made it to the end. Spock and Gandalf soon followed. But before the last of the four could get across, the Mall Rat farted off another fireball. The fireball hit the ceiling above them, causing debris to fall all over the place, and the ripples to send the table with all four wackos to float away from the exit. One section of the roof was so big, that it crashed through the floor and into the basement. The water began to funnel through the floor, with all of the tables falling in it too.

"Captain," Spock called to Gandalf. "The hole has created a pipe effect. There is no logical way for the students to float around it, and there is no telling how long of a fall it is."

"Jez!" Gollum called. "You've gots to steer around the hole!"

"Yes, force your way through the current you must!" Yoda added.

The Three Wackos and the Platypus tried to use their hands to paddle the table against the current, but the whirlpool was just too strong.

"I wish we had an ore." Jez wished.

"I wished we had an engine." Matt added.

"I wished we had Obi here to help us." Kana commented.

"Wait, an ore!" Scott said. And with that, he dove into his backpack and pulled out the un-openable Tripod. He screwed the Hot Head in a way that it resembled a paddle. He handed it to the Wackos. "You three use this to paddle on the left side, and I'll use my beaver-like tail to paddle on the right."

"Will that work?" Kan asked. "I mean, it is only a platypus _costume, _right."

Scott was going to mention that he was a real platypus indigenous to Middle Earth and that he and the camera should be ignored, but something told him that this was not quite the appropriate time to be thinking about his project.

"Hope so." Scott replied, and the four began to navigate the table through the current.

"It's working!" Obi-Wan commented.

"Bad karma!" Gandalf said yet again.

"What?" Gollum asked. Spock pointed out to him that the Mall Rat had entered the Food Court Pool and began to peruse the table raft.

"Use the Force, we should!" Yoda commented.

"Just a second…" Spock said in deep thought. "Don't strain yourself. The Force that the Mall Rat is exerting in the pool might be enough to give the table the exit velocity it needs to escape the whirlpools gravitational current."

The raft was moving very slowly, but it was better than falling into the vortex. The four rowers looked up to see a Gandalf waving frantically.

"Keep rowing! Don't look back!" He called.

That was probably the worst thing to say to that particular four, because all of them looked back to see the giant mutated rat trashing closer to them. The four began paddling faster, but in bad alternation, causing the raft to go slower and even rotate in the wrong direction. The Mall Rat lunged at the table, and the four braced for impact. The Rat missed, causing the table to surf a huge tidal wave.

"Who-hoo!" Jez nervously cheered.

"Cawabunga!" Matt yelled.

"Eat surf!" Kana yelled at the Mall Rat.

"I think I'm goanna be sea sick…" Scott said.

"Brace for impact!" Spock called.

"Get out of their way!" Gandalf called.

The table landed on solid ground and sparks went flying as the table continued to skid across the floor.

"They're coming in too fast." Obi-Wan observed.

"Oh no, crash they will." Yoda added.

The table continued to slide across the floor with no sign of slowing down. It was on a direct course to impact with a vending machine.

"This won't end well." Jez noted.

"We need more friction!" Matt said.

"We need to stop!" Kana added.

"That's it! Hurry, give me the tripod!" Scott said. Kana handed it to Scott, and Scott swung one end at the ground. Sparks went flying everywhere, but the table was slowing down. The Hot Head became mangled from being dragged on the ground, but the table stopped just inches in front of the vending machine.

"It worked!" Scott noted.

"We're alive!" Kana yelled.

"Yay!" Jez added

"Anyone got a dollar?" Matt asked, surveying the inventory of the vending machine.

Scott returned his camera to record mode as the rest of the group caught up to them.

"That was a nice way to slow down the raft." Spock commented.

"It's was those three's inspiration," Scott admitted, "and it seemed like the only logical alternative." He winked. Spock blinked back at the gesture and then just nodded his head.

But the celebration was interrupted as the Mall Rat emerged from the pool. "_Squeeek!_" The mutant rat screamed.

"I told you this place was riddled with bad karma…" Gandalf said.

"Noticed have you that bad things happen when you say that?" Yoda asked.

"Get out of here! Run!" Gandalf said, determinedly, as the Mall Rat drew nearer.

"But…" Jez asked.

"GO! RUN!" Gandalf yelled as the mutant began to turn around.

Spock led the way as everyone but Gandalf fled into Sears. From his view, Gandalf could see the fireball gathering within the beast. The entire mall around him was now shaking from all the force the rat was gathering. This fireball was going to be a dozy.

"You're flatulent power will not avail you, Mall Rat." Gandalf yelled at the creature.

"What is he doings?" Gollum asked.

"Stay back," Obi-Wan said.

_"Squeeaak!"_ The Mall Rat angrily replied to Gandalf, and the vile creature lifted his tail. The entire mall began to shake uncontrollably. _"Sssssqqquuueeeeeaaaaaak!"_ The rat malevolently uttered, taking pleasure in noting that this was his most deadly fireball he had ever made, and that no one would survive.

Gandalf quickly stuffed one end of his staff into an empty tree pot, and raised it into attack position.

"YOU…SHALL NOT…PASS GAS!" Gandalf yelled!

And at the last possible moment, he shoved that end of the staff into the creature's…well…you get the idea. Acting as a cork, the creature broke into flames and trashed his way back to the pool, with Gandalf still holding onto his staff.

The four students broke from the group and ran to his aid.

"Gandalf!" They called.

The Mall Rat jumped into the hole the ceiling derbies had made in the Food Court. Gandalf, grabbed the edge, still holding onto his staff, and the creature. Gandalf looked up at his rescue party.

"I'm a little busy right now." He said.

"We're here to help you." Jez said.

"No, I must finish this… I want you all to listen to me. On the dawn of the second day of your journey, when all hope looks lost, climb as high as you can, and you will know what you need to do."

"What?" The four asked. The floor beneath them began to crack.

"Run, you wackos!" Gandalf ordered.

Not needing to be told twice, the four noticed the cracking floor, and ran away just as it crumbled apart. Gandalf covered his nose and took a deep breath before being anchored down the hole and into a sewer of water.

Well that's all for now. We hoped you enjoyed the latest chapter! Also, I (I being Matt) am think about setting up a screen name for the Three Wackos and having a chat session with people once a week. During the chat we would be willing to ask questions, just chat about random topics, and of course be our wacko selves. If there is any interest either say so in your review or email us. Don't forget to review on your way out!

Kana, Matt, Jez, Scott


	4. Chapter IV “The Forest of Lothlórien”

Disclaimer: I don't think I really own anything from this story except myself and my writing style. Star Wars, Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, are works of other people who have more money than I do. Come to think about it, I don't even own the Three Wackos! But I am friends with them… So with all of that legal stuff out of the way, just relax and enjoy the story and try not to think too much about how illegal it is.

**Chapter IV- "The Forest of Lothlórien"**

That little adventure had pretty much drained all energy from the fellowship, and they all decided to make camp just outside of the mall.

"Iss he..is he dead?" Gollum asked Jez.

"Would you be upset if I gave away some of the plot?" Jez asked.

If you, attentive reader, would be upset I would skip down about eight lines if I were you.

"No, of course not! Not us! No, Please, precious, tell us." Gollum cheered.

Jez sighed and replied. "Nope. But when he comes back, remember to act surprised, okay?"

"We don'ts understand." Gollum innocently replied.

"Help you I shall," Yoda replied. "He's alive; he's just swimming with the fishys. He he he!"

This only confused Gollum even more, but he decided to let the issue go.

"I believe it wise if we all get some sleep." Spock suggested. "We have much traveling that we need to do tomorrow."

Matt, Jez, and Scott unpacked some marshmallows and were about to make a fire.

"Where's Kana?" Matt asked.

The four, noticing for the first time that she was gone, all looked around. They searched the immediate area. They searched under every rock, and explored the entire camp area, but she was nowhere to be found.

"Kana!" Scott called.

"Where could she be?" Jez asked, as she began to lean on a tree. To her surprise, the tree began to fall backwards.

"Hey," said the tree.

"Kana?" Jez whispered.

"Yes?"

"What are you doing?" Matt asked.

"Do you really want to know?" She asked.

"Yes!" Scott replied, bringing his camera back to record mode.

"Look into that forest over there, and tell me what you see." Kana replied.

"Besides trees?" Matt asked.

"Wait," Scott said, using his camera to zoom in. "Someone's down there…"

"Not just someone." The tree Kana said. "It's an Elf!"

"Really!" Jez asked excitedly.

"So what's with the disguise then?" Matt asked.

"I decided to dress up as a tree and see if he'll climb onto me." Kana innocently replied. The other two wackos nodded their head, while Scott gave Kana a perplexed look.

"He's walking the other way though," Jez observed.

"Then let's follow him!" Kana said, tossing a Tree costume to Matt and Jez. "You can go as an indigo platypus," she said to Scott.

"I think you mean the _indigenous_ Platypus," Scott corrected.

"Sure, that too if you want." Kana replied, and with that the four set off into the forest.

And so for the next ten minutes, if you can ever imagine such a sight, three trees and a platypus silently crept closer and closer to the wandering elf. The Elf wandered into a beautiful meadow that even awed the wackos, for there was food growing on every tree.

"I would very much like to have an apple." The Elf said to no one in particular. "But how shall I reach it, I left my bow back at the colony." The Elf looked around and spotted three trees standing beneath the giant apple tree. "Ah, I can climb one of those trees to reach it." As if the Fairies of Luck and Chance had a cruel sense of humor, the Elf chose Matt to use as a ladder. Jez and Scott struggled to hold back their laughter while Kana was resisting the strong urge to smack Matt in jealousy. In no time at all, however, the elf was back on the ground with his apple, when he noticed an unusual creature staring at him, both with two eyes and a camera lens.

"Hmm, and what sort of creature might you be?" The Elf asked Scott.

It occurred to Scott for the first time that he didn't know what sound a platypus made. Was it a quack, or was it a baa. To be safe, Scott replied, "Platypus, platypus, platypus."

"Well, I have never seen anything like you before on Middle Earth, I shall take you home with me, so that you can be my pet." The Elf said, reaching towards Scott.

Scott panicked, and tried to run away, but Jez was accidentally standing on his tail. Scott was able to pry it free, but it was too late, the Elf had picked him up.

"My, you are a heavy creature," The elf commented. "But I will give you a nice home, where you shall be the family's pet. And we shall feed you and bath you, and pet you, and-"

Scott was too speechless of horror to say anything in his defense; luckily, this was too much for Kana. She threw back her tree costume and yelled.

"Hey! Take me with you too!" Kana called.

The Elf turned around and dropped Scott.

"A Tree Sprite?" The Elf inquired.

"No, a 'Kana'." She corrected, here eyes already forming the shape of hearts.

"And this is a 'Jez'." Jez said as she too took her costume off.

"And this is the last time I follow one of your ideas, Kana." A disturbed Matt said, chucking his costume away.

"Are you an enchanted creature in disguise too?" the Elf asked Scott.

"No," Kana replied. "He's an ingenious platypus that wants you to ignore his camera."

Scott was going to correct her again, but decided to stay in character. So he just gave the Elf a wide grin.

"Then I shall leave you, ingenious creature, to your natural habitat. That is, unless you want to leave the forest to join my family."

Scott frantically shook his head 'no', and the matter was settled.

"However, it is getting late," the Elf said, "perhaps it would be best if you spent the night in my city." The elf gestured the direction.

"I thought you'd never ask." Kana said skipping ahead.

"I wonder what it looks like!" Jez cheered while following Kana.

"I wonder if I can get some good footage." Scott said.

"I wonder if they have a psychologist for me." Matt murmured.

"I wonder where those four strange creatures are form." The Elf wondered.

"Timber!" An Orc called. Naturally, no one listened and Orc appendages scattered everywhere.

Saruman, the powerful White Wizzard of Isenguard, sneered as he exited his house (which was more of a giant, impractical, tower.) and saw the sign "Future Home Of: Orc and iFruityki breeding grounds." The land of Isenguard had been his home for many years. He remembered looking out of the window and seeing the beautiful sea of trees. Now, his property had been deformed, a repugnant smell had been created. But Saruman knew that it would all be worth the trouble in time. The emperor had promised him Digital Internet Access and the best in Apple Technology if he were to return to presidency of Middle Earth. There was also some political babble about Social Security and better health care, which sounded pretty good.

"Trees are strong, Saruman." A random Orc informed.

"Yes…" Saruman replied, wondering where this conversation was going.

"Just…thought you would want to know. I head butted one once. Tree are strong."

"Right." Saruman nodded, a little freaked out. He then proceeded to a large group of Orcs, gathered around what one would perhaps call a liquid tree. Inside, he could see his greatest Science Project ever brought to life.

"Do you know how Orcs first came into being?" Saruman asked. The Orcs shook their head 'no' and one even had his head fall off from the motion. Sarumn rolled his eyes and continued. "They were Mackintosh users once, taken by dark powers, manipulated, even tortured by the 'Blue Screen of Death', and now perfected. Arise my fighting iFruityki!"

At that, a hideous creature was 'born' from the tree.

"Please insert command." The iFruityki asked.

"A group of invaders have returned with your master's bookmark. They plan to destroy it. I want you to hunt them down, and bring them to me alive. Do not stop until they are found. You do not know pain, you do not know fear. Go now, and make me proud."

The creature growled in agreement.

"That's an A+ for me." Saruman said cheerfully, peeling out a gold star sticker and pinning it on his robe.

"Does anyone here happen to be Russian?" Kana called, her voice echoing through the halls of the Wood Elf city of Lothlórien. "Where are we going anyway?" She asked, skipping backwards so she could face their new Elf friend.

"We are going to see Galadriel," he replied. "She is the leader of our people and can perhaps aid you on your quest."

"What if I wanted to stay here with you?" Kana asked.

"Yagh!" Said Jez excitedly.

"She wouldn't like that!" Matt said quickly, not wanting to spend another moment surrounded by tall, blond hair, blue eyed, Elves. But this thought was quickly dispelled when he caught sight of a female wood elf. He blew her a kiss, but their Elf friend grabbed him before she could return it.

"I don't think that would be wise." The Elf Friend said. "Middle Earth needs you."

"I concur!" The platypus added excitedly.

The group made their way into the great hall, where two thrones rested upon the root of a giant tree.

"The Great Deku Tree and a bunch of Navi's!" Matt noted excitedly.

Their Elf friend passed Matt a strange glance before continuing. "My Lady, I have found the travelers who venture to the land of Al'Gore," he said.

"Yes, I have sensed their presence." Said Galadriel in a soft tone. "Nine have set off from Rivendell, yet only eight remain. This reminds me of the book: 'And Then There Were None'." She waited a moment as the four students chuckled at each other before continuing. "But hope holds true for these travelers. They know not what they are getting into. What dangers they will see."

"_And what evil they shall face!_"said a voice that only the four students seemed to have heard.

"It is too bad that they so bravely choose to throw away their lives so recklessly." Galadriel continued.

"But milady," The Elf Friend replied, confused. "I thought that we were going to aid them on their quest."

"Times have changed!" Said the stern voice of Wormtoung, the queen's advisor. "Have you seen what fate is in store for all who oppose the emperor? You haven't seen what I have. You haven't seen the armies that are being _breaded_ in Isenguard. You haven't seen the Wraiths that spread their gloom across the plains. You haven't seen the fire of the great eye the burns in the north."

"But if such danger exists," their friend stated. "It is all the more reason to help the fellowship accomplish their mission!"

"Why? Why should we fear _him?_" Wormtounge replied. He let the line linger so that everyone could understand what his words entailed. "The land of Middle Earth has lived in chaos ever since the great war. Essays are being chiseled on runes and not word processed on a computer. Food is primitively cooked over a large fire instead of on a toaster. _Star Trek_ is five series and ten movies strong; and it has been years since a TV even existed on Middle Earth; so I ask you: 'Why should we allow this to go on'? Even if this means that the world will be ran by Macintosh Computers, the installment of a new Emperor promises new possibilities in technology."

"Computers would be nice…" Galadriel added weakly.

"Of course they will. The emperor has even promised that he will install DSL Internet Access if we avoid any resistance movements." Wormtounge added. "Which is why…" he said, turning to the four students, "I cannot permit you to travel any further. Guards! Seize these four and confiscate any objects they have with them."

"I will not let you harm them!" The Elf Friend defended, drawing his bow.

"Legolas…please…don't resist. It…is…for the good of all…I think."

"Legolas!" Kana replied, her eyes once again forming a heart shape.

"Yay!" Jez squealed.

"He _climbed_ on me!" Matt replied rather disturbed.

"Here comes the female audience!" Scott said, activating his camera.

Within moments, dozens of ugly-looking Wood Elves marched into the chambers with bows ready to fire. Legolas contemplated giving the four students a small knife to defend themselves with, but he figured that they would only hurt themselves. "Stay behind me!" He called.

"Whatever you say…" Kana said in a dreamy state.

Legolas didn't want to hurt his fellow elves, so he pulled out two knifes and began to deflect the arrows. This was nothing like anything he had felt before.

"Why? Why do you resist…" Wormtounge hissed.

"Because the needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few, or the one!" A voice called, which was immediately followed by phaser fire.

"Spock!" Scott called.

"Around a perimeter, encircle." Yoda ordered.

Immediately, the rest of the fellowship busted into the chamber. Yoda force stopped arrow fire while Gollum gracefully dodged them. Spock and Obi-Wan finished encircling the four students. Obi-Wan assisted Legolas in deflecting arrows while Spock fired his phaser in offence.

"There is no need for apprehension," Spock stated, noticing Legolas's concern. "It is set to stun, I am only incapacitating them."

Legolas only understood about every fifth word, but decided to trust that he had the group's best interests in mind. Meanwhile, Kana continued to enjoy being protected by Legolas _and_ Obi-Wan. She was so full of joy that she seemed completely oblivious to what was transpiring around her.

"This reminds me of 'Men in Tights'!" Jez exclaimed.

"Why?" Matt asked, noticing that Legolas and Obi-Wan gave a worried glace at her.

"All these guards!" She pointed out.

"The domino effect!" Scott pointed out. "I liked that scene!"

Obi-Wan and Yoda exchanged a glance.

"Hmm, knowledge is everywhere, if one knows where to look," Yoda hinted. "Even from a rock, knowledge can come, he he he."

Obi-Wan looked up to the ceiling, and understood what he had to do. "Understood, master." Obi said as he jumped into the air and threw his Lightsaber at a nearby stalactite. The rock fell to the floor and knocked down an Elf Guard. That guard proceeded to nock down another, and another, until the entire force toppled over.

"We dids it!" Gollum cheered.

"A Jar Jar moment, this is." Yoda pointed out.

"Fascinating." Spock said with awe.

"A fine shot." Legolas complimented.

"The Force is my Ally." Obi recited.

"You're both fine allies…" Kana said, unaware of the drool that was flowing out of her mouth.

"Impossible!" Wormtounge screamed. "This...cannot be happening!"

The Fellowship and Legolas continued to shout cheers of triumph.

"This fellowship ends now!" Wormtoung hissed. He sprinted to the nearest unconscious Elf and grabbed his bow and arrow. "I will not settle for dial up!" And with that, Wormtounge released the arrow. Legolas turned around with just enough time to grab the arrow, which pierced right through his hand.

"No!" Kana screamed as she ran to the Elf's aid. "Why…why do you stop us?" She sobbed. "You've, you've taken this wonderful place, full of hot Elves, and you've ruined it! You've turned them all into…into…politicians!"

"I'm hot." Exclaimed a guard who was recovering from the fall. Scott could have sworn that he looked and sounded like an Elf version of Bill Clinton.

"What kind of world do we live in, where people believe more in bureaucratic procedures unless something is in it for their own personal benefit." Kana continued, "What kind of society have we established where no one cares about the good of everyone anymore? How could you have the…mordacity…to shoot an Elf! You…you…you meanie!"

Everyone was shocked at the raw emotions that had spilled out of Kana's mouth.

"She…weeps for humanity…." Galadriel said to herself. And inside, this hope for a better humanity seemed to cleanse her sole, washing out the poison that Wormtounge had infected her with. It was as if she was accelerating though life, only in reverse. Her old wrinkles and scars washed away like a flood clearing a derelict city. It was a great moment in Computer Generated Effects history. In a matter of moments, she had returned to the young Galadriel that she once was before Wormtoung had entered her city. But it wasn't just her, across the woods of Lothlórien, all of the ugly Elves returned to their state of "hotness."

"Arise, young child" Galadrial said. "You need not weep any more. You have cleansed this meadow of Wormtoung's evil."

"Isn't 'evil' in the eye of the beholder?" Wormtounge asked defensively.

"You!" Galadrial said, in a wicked tone. "You are the taint that hath spoiled this meadow. 'And lo!' you still have the balls to stand before me and preach about your innocence. We are through!"

"But…can't we at least break up after the Holiday Dance?"

"No! I want you out of my forest NOW! If I see thou's hideous presence within my kingdom again…I will give you the Direct Object Quiz of Inhumane Torture."

The four students didn't know what that meant, but considering how fast the little slime ball sprinted out of the forest was enough to signal that the torture was bad news.

_The brave Elf, Legolas, shall recover with no problems from his wounds. However, he must stay here in the powers of Lothlórien to make a full recovery. I regret that he will not be able to join you an your quest._

_As for the journey, it stands on the brink of a knife. I cannot imagine how many other countless villages have fallen to the emperor's power, how many more villages have fallen victim to the Emperor's lies, how many more villages have been given a TV by the emperor, only to discover that the only channel they get is C-SPANN, the Congress Network._

_Because of this, it is imperative that this journey be allowed to continue, for the good of humanity. Go south, weary travelers, and you will find the road that leads to the emperor's castle. _

_The road will be difficult, but it is in these difficult times that friendship and hope hold true, which can only shine a light for a brighter tomorrow for all of Middle Earth._

_Follow the river to the land of Rohan. It is desperate land, in much need of assistance, and they will need your help in humanity's last stand at the fortress of Helm's Ditch._

_There, you shall find that others can no longer stand back and watch as the emperor attempts to regain power. When the time is right, men, elves, and dwarves shall cast aside their computer provider differences once again, and the final struggle for Middle Earth shall begin again. But this time, as present by Wormtoung's occupation of Lothlórien._

_Even Miss. Cleo cannot see what the future still holds in the future, but as long as hope exists, there is still a glimmer of hope that will continue to shine, even when all other lights go out._

"The sun had risen to a beautiful new morning." The barrel clothed Jorge said as he walked into the plaza of Minas Tirith.

'And Lo!' indeed it was. The birds were chirping, the trees were rustling, the Village Idiot had made the mistake of running into a forest and proceeded to run into every tree along the way, and the volcano of Mount Dune could be seen from a distance, spewing liquid hot lava making the land of Al'Gore seem like a not very hospitable place.

On the peaceful bank of the river of Anduin, things were far more cheerful as eight boats disembarked from Lothlórien, on their way to Rohan. Galadriel and a bandaged Legolas stood at the edge of the forest to bid the travelers farewell and a safe journey. After taking five minutes for the Three Wackos to stop waving their hands 'goodbye'

"That was a very…nice speech you gave back there." Obi-Wan said to his boat mate, Kana.

"What?" She innocently replied.

"When your friend was hit by the arrow. That was a very nice outlook at humanity. I can only hope that the new Chancellor for the Republic will bring with him the same moral principals that you noted that humanity needed. Compassion, altruism, a force for the good of all, not just for those in high political places."

"I don't remember saying anything, but it was probably just the talk of looooovvve." Kana said, while giving a giant hug to Obi-Wan. "And now it's just you and me on a romantic cruise. A whole journey to talk all about our compassion!" Kana buried her head into Obi's arms,

"Oh goody," Obi-Wan sighed.

"I wonder if we'll pass through any "Tunnels of Love" on this cruise."

"She's back to herself." Scott said to himself.

"Are we there yet?" Obi Wan called to Spock.

Well folks that's all for now I hope you've enjoyed the newest chapter. You should be seeing another new chapter sometime in the afternoon on Thursday. Don't forget to review on your way out. And I still want to know if anyone is interested in that chat with the wackos idea I mentioned last chapter. Thanks for reading.

Kana, Matt, Jez, Scott


	5. Chapter V “Helm’s Ditch”

Disclaimer: I don't think I really own anything from this story except myself and my writing style. Star Wars, Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, are works of other people who have more money than I do. Come to think about it, I don't even own the Three Wackos! But I am friends with them… So with all of that legal stuff out of the way, just relax and enjoy the story and try not to think too much about how illegal it is.

**Chapter V- "Helm's Ditch"**

In what felt to Obi-Wan like a lifetime plus one, the day rolled on and the fortress of Helm's Ditch grew into view.

"Thank the Force we are here." Obi-Wan muttered quietly, eager for the chance to awaken the sleeping Kana from his lap.

"This is a ditch?" Jez asked, pointing to the canyon where the fortress laid. It was a large stone stronghold, easily capable of shielding thousands of people from an attack, and conveniently located at the wall of a cave, which secretly stretched to the land of Gondor.

The group walked up to the giant blast doors of the citadel. From there the group began to wonder exactly how they were going to get in.

"Maybe we need to flash some credit cards!" Matt postulated.

"Did somebody say flash?" Kana asked.

"We knows how to get in!" Gollum exclaimed.

The rest of the group turned in horror, thinking that he was going to follow Kana's suggestion. But the little creature simply walked up to the door and turned the knob.

"After yous," Gollum said, holding the door open for Jez. As Yoda passed, he stuck his tongue out at him.

Needless to say, the preparing soldiers of Helm's Ditch were quite surprised to see the visitors.

"How did you penetrate the Great Doors Of Disentrance?" One soldier asked as the rest gathered arms.

"There is no need for anxiety," Spock eased. "We mean you no ill will, we just simple walked in."

The leader of the Guards smacked his forehead. "Rat's I keep forgetting to lock those doors." The guard took out a large key chain, and it nearly brought Scott to tears.

"Herr Weh!" Scott called, recognize the undistinguishable set of keys.

"Ja, ja! What can I do for you?" The leader said to him.

"I can't believe that you are here too!"

"Why wouldn't I be? I am the Captain of the Guard for the royal king."

"But…you don't know who I am, do you?"

"Umm, well I haven't had my morning coffee yet, but…no."

"Oh, not even this camera?"

"Heiligabimbom! (German: Holly smokes). That is a wonderful camera. Much more high tech than the one I have."

"Well," Scott said, a little disappointed that his teacher did not recognize him. "If I could promise you that this project…even if you don't know what it is…was going to be unlike anything ever seen before, could I have an extension?"

"Nope." Herr Weh said, and with that he accelerated to Witikko Warp Speed as he went to lock the door.

"Thought I'd try." Scott shrugged.

"Do not feel ashamed that he does not remember you," Spock comforted. "This rift in the space/time continuum has created a bizarre scenario, but I trust that we are all here for a reason, even if we cannot remember what we are doing."

"That's logical." Scott surmised. Spock raised his eyebrow and began to examine the structural integrity of the fortress.

That evening, the fellowship joined the soldiers in a great fest. Actually, it was just military MRIs in a slightly depressing meal, except for the Three Wackos, the Platypus, and Gollum, who were competing to see who could do the best trick with eating a cherry. Though they had tried, Obi-Wan and Yoda were excluded from the event for obvious reasons.

"Lets us try! Lets us try!" Gollum asked. Jez gave him a cherry, and he tried to balance it on his nose. Unfortunately, this was short lived as the cherry fell off and poked the creature in his eye.

However, the conversation was interrupted as a scrawny soldier busted into the cafeteria, just as thunder crashed off in the distance.

"Troll in the dungeon!" He screamed. He fall down in his horror, but then stopped. "Ooops, I'm sorry. Let me try that again. Be right back." Seconds later, the door busted open again along with the crash of thunder. "Orcs at the door!" He screamed, and then collapsed to the floor in his horror.

"Soldiers, arm yourselves!" Herr Weh called as the unsheathed his sword, the _Equalizer_.

"Where do you need us?" Scott asked Herr Weh.

"Well, we do need a door stop, it's pretty safe really. That is, unless we all fail, in which case you might be obliterated when they barge through the door…"

"Second option." Jez asked.

"Well, You can stand with your buddies at the northern spire. You don't have any weapons, but I'm sure that maybe by sheer numbers alone, we might intimidate them."

This was not the news they wanted to hear, but it was better than getting obliterated as doors stops.

_You do not know pain, you do not know fear, go now and make me proud._ Saruman's words echoed within the brain of the iFruityki. He was just one of the thousands of Ki brood from Sauman's evil garden. Combined with an armada of Orcs, the army knew that tonight, they would obliterate the first threat to the new Emperor. Their victory would be swift. Then, off in the distance, a horn sounded. The sound was beautiful to the Ki's ears, for it signified to the entire fleet to march forward. The war had begun.

Obi-Wan activated his Lightsaber and Spock leveled his phaser. Yoda could be heard still trying to push a box up the fleet of stairs, only to fall back down. Though it could never be proven, Gollum was believed to have played a part in this.

"Please do not forget that you four are to stay behind our protection." Spock reminded the four students. They gave him an innocent smile.

"And _stay_ there." Obi-Wan reminded, knowing first hand what the four were capable of.

"The army approaches!" Herr Weh called from the first barrier. "Prepare yourselves!" It didn't take long before dozens of arrows came flying over the edge of the wall. After fifteen minutes of fighting, nothing substantial seemed to happen. Spock continued to fire his phaser while Obi-Wan deflected arrows. Yoda, had given up on the box, and was force pushing arrows left and right, while Gollum gracefully avoided attacks and gathered recycled arrows for the soldiers.

"You know," Matt whispered. "I could get us out there to help."

"How?" Jez asked eagerly.

"It's a little something that I learned from Gandalf." Matt winked and then spoke loud enough for everyone in the area to hear. "This is _bad karma_."

Obi-Wan and Spock only had enough time to brace themselves as a large bolder came smashing into the balcony, and separated the porch. Spock and Obi-Wan fell down a level.

"If you hurt Obi…" Kana threatened.

"Wait," Scott said, realizing the situation that had just emerged.

"The pointy-eared one said that we were to stay behind them, right?" Jez noted, with a slight grin.

"Looks like we'll have to go and find them." Matt said thoughtfully.

But the four students had little intention of devoting their entire attention span to locating their friends. As the war marched on, the Orcs and iFruityki stormed to the fortified walls of Helm's Ditch, and attempted to scale the wall by large ladders. It was here that the wackos found their first fight, they could help the citizen's of Helm's Ditch by simply…being themselves. As the ladders reached the top of the wall, and the minions of the emperor began their accent up and over the walls, the wackos would pop out of nowhere, wave insistently, and then proceed to push the ladders off the wall, which also took out all of the Orcs that the ladder landed on.

"That's 23 for me!" Scott tallied.

"142…give or take a few hundred." Matt added.

"1" Jez said proudly.

"1…2…3…plus…1…2..3..carry the five…5…6…7, divide by the square root of forty two…7…8…9…" Kana counted.

Meanwhile, the rest of the group found their own usefulness. With no further attacks via arrows, Yoda was at a lost on what to do, that is until he heard a loud rattling coming from the adjacent room.

"What goes on here?" Yoda asked, opening the door. Yoda was pummeled as a large pile of junk flooded out of the small storage closet.

"We were just looking for weapons." Gollum replied once he was free of the cabinet. Gollum pulled off a large piece of battle armor and went back to work. This gave Yoda an idea. Yoda grabbed the armor and a sword, but he was too small for both.

"Scrawny and hasty one," he called. "Come here, have a plan I do…"

Elsewhere, the battle wasn't going so well. Spock and Obi-Wan continued their defense as a large armada of iFruityki approached the front door.

"Their units do not appear to be depleting in number," Spock noted.

"Yes, and it doesn't seem as if we have made much of a dent in their army," Obi-Wan said, a little confused. Spock raised his eyebrow, for the two had just said the exact same thing. _Fascinating_, he thought to himself, and then proceeded to fire.

"Are you sure about this?" Scott asked nervously.

"This will be a great action shot," Kana noted.

"If we survive," Jez added.

"_Trust_ me, this will work." Matt said. With that, the three wackos and the platypus entered a large, round, disk that was once an iFruityki's shield. Matt angled the disk to towards the slope that led from the castle spire down to the northern wall's walkway. "It's just like bowling."

"Just like bowling, only _different_!" Jez added.

"Just like bowling, only our lives are on the line!" Kana noted.

"Just like bowling, only those are not pins." Scott pointed out.

Too late. With a simple push, the toboggan-shield began it's decent. Up ahead, an Ork looked to the four in horror just seconds before he was pummeled. Then they ran over a Ki, then another Orc, then another, than another, like bugs on a windshield.

"It's working!" Matt exclaimed.

"So far…" Jez winced.

"Hey people," Kana asked. "How are we supposed to stop?" The four began to look at each other nervously, despite the fact that this sort of planning was not common wacko practice.

"No problem!" Scott reaffirmed. "I'll just pull out this tripod and we'll stop like last-" But at that particular moment, the tripod skidded out of his hands and flew off to strike another Ki. "-time…"

"Oh oh." Jez noted.

"We are so dead." Kana added.

"I've always wanted to know what a pancake feels like." Matt pondered.

With that last thought, the sled continued to run over Orcs and Ki, but their velocity only seemed in increase as their little ride drew closer and closer to the edge of a wall.

"Why do we have to be the legs?" Gollum asked to Yoda who was standing on his shoulders.

"When nine hundred years old you reach- work as good, your back will not. Beside, much smarter I am." Yoda replied.

"Oh no you don't. We are the smartester beings." Gollum reprimanded.

Yoda waved his hands around Gollum's eyes. "You will be happy as-"

"-as the legs." Gollum replied in a trance-like state.

"Well at least let me finish." Yoda sighed. Decided that it was no longer an issue, Yoda pulled the armor over his head. The armor fell past him and down to Gollum's unsteady legs. Yoda activated his Lightsaber and the Yoda/Gollum being began to walk. It wasn't pretty, but it was at least random and staggered enough to catch some Orcs off guard, allowing Yoda to make some easy knockouts. Gollum lost his footing for a moment but was able to keep Yoda supported, however the tremor caused Yoda's helmet to close over his eyes, and the two were blind to the world. Unable to lift the hatch, Yoda continued to swing; hopping that his Lightsaber was making contact with enemies.

Obi-Wan could not help but notice that the bridge he was standing on was not meant for battle. But he had to defend the bridge while Spock attempted to pick the lock of the adjacent door. _Just don't look down_, Obi told himself, despite the cracking sound the creakily old bridge made.

"I work with the utmost haste." Spock told no one in particular. "Humans are so illogical…"

"I hate to rush you, but I'm afraid that we will be joined by some friends very soon." Obi-Wan replied.

"If I can just click this lever…"

An arrow hit just inches above Spock's head and remained stuck on the wooden door. "I suppose, however, that a little haste is in logical order."

"Excuse me…" Obi-Wan said, not wanting to face the invading Orks. He activated his saber and hacked the knob off the entrance. The door swung open, and Spock had no other choice by to be impressed given the current situation.

"Fascinating. Crude, but effective."

"Except against those incoming Orcs, come on!" Obi-Wan grabbed Spock's arm and jumped into the entrance, just as several arrows wedged themselves into the door. Keeping with the momentum, the two charged through the door on the other end, and back into the battle, the door swung open and the two fell out the other side, the door continued to swing and it smacked the floundering Yoda in the face. By some freak of nature, they continued to knock out every Ork and Ki that came near them.

Obi-Wan and Spock went in to help, but backed away as Yoda swung his saber at them. Spock gave a quick look to Obi, and that was all that the two needed to say. Spock barrel rolled, tripping Gollum, while Obi-Wan lunged for Yoda's Lightsaber. The maneuver was successful and the four continued to roll on the floor. Their momentum was so great at the moment, that they fell backwards into a statue, which fell to the floor below.

The statue fell just as the iFruityki shield, carrying the four students, slammed into it. Though it did nothing to slow them down, the four ricochet off the track and over the cliff of the wall—into the mass of Ki that continued to gather below.

"If we live through this-" Kana bagan.

"-We are going to kill you!" Jez finished.

"My tripod…" Scott whimpered.

"Brace for impact!" Matt instructed.

The group landed over a battalion of Ki who were on their way to the door with a large battering ram. The impact was enough to knock the army out, and the four tumbled out of the shield. The loss of the Battering Ram team seemed to cause enough mass confusion that no one seemed to notice them. The four couldn't help but notice first hand exactly how many of the Emperor's minions still remained.

"There's still so many." Matt noted.

"They're like the Energizer Bunny." Scott added.

"Or at least multiply like bunnies." Jez commented.

"If only they were Russians…" Kana dreamed.

Jez looked back towards the fortress, through the rays of the sun, she could see that the Orcs and iFruityki had already penetrated the first wall. Herr Weh's defense was doing all that they could, but they were clearly outnumbered. But as long as hope still remained, as long as the blood of men (and women) still pumped through a heart of virtue, as long as there was still footage to be recorded, as long as the defenders held true to each other, the Fellowship of the Bookmark would never give up a fight.

The four students made a dash back to Helm's Ditch, when a thought occurred to Jez.

_On the dawn of the second day of your journey, when all hope looks lost, climb as high as you can, and you will know what you need to do._

"Wait!" Jez called. The other three stopped. "I have an idea, follow me!" Jez ran out ahead of them, accidentally tripped over a rock and barrel rolled towards the fortress. The remaining three looked at each other, shrugged and proceeded to purposefully trip over the rock and begin their barrel roll, knocking down all of the Orcs in their way.

They used one of the Orc's ladders to scale the wall and return to the fortress, but they didn't stop there.

"Where are we going?" Kana panted.

"There!" Jez replied, pointing to the central spire of the castle, the tallest point of Helm's Ditch.

"What are we going to do there?" Matt asked.

"I donno," Jez shrugged. "But we'll know when we get there."

The four reached the giant staircase that led to the top of the castle. Scott began to wonder about the sturdiness of the stairway until a giant bolder slammed into it. Panic set in.

"Okay…now what?" Matt asked.

"There's only one thing left to do," Kana noted.

"Climb," Jez said somberly.

The conversation was interrupted as an Orc jumped behind them, swords ready for action and teeth braying. But this didn't last long as he was quickly met with a barrage of arrows that pinned him to the walls.

"Come on, Scott," Matt called, the three Wackos had already began climbing the wall. Scott looked down at his camera and an idea came to him.

"Hello, buddy." Scott said, walking towards the pinned Orc. "Could you do me a favor and record for me."

The Orc grunted what sounded like a question.

"All you have to do is push the red button to start recording." Scott replied, thrusting the camera into the Orc's hands. "Now be careful, that's thousands of dollars worth of city equipment you have there." The Orc gripped the camera tighter. "And if you could also try and hold it steady, that'll save me some grade points. Happy filming, and don't go anywhere." And with that, Scott jumped onto the wall. The Orc grunted and then pulled the camera up to his eye and pressed the record button.

The sight of figures moving up the central spire caught Obi-Wan's attention.

"What are they doing?" Obi asked Spock.

"I would have surmised the same question," Spock replied. "Traversing the biggest target in the fortress seems highly illogical."

"Yes, but follow logic, those four do not." Yoda humored.

There was a short pause as the rest of the group waited for Gollum to make a comment, but none came. Yoda turned to his right only to see that the creature wasn't there.

"I wonder where our other friend has run off to." Spock asked, noticing Yoda's concern.

"I can venture a guess." Obi-Wan replied.

"Hmph, showoff he is." Yoda finished,

"Almost there, " Jez huffed as she reached for the next brick.

"That's what you said three balconies ago." Kana replied,

"Those were balconies?" Matt asked.

"Are we there yet?" Scott cut in.

"Almost…to the last…brick," Jez said. But the brick was too far out of reach, but there was no turning back. With what little foot holding she had, Jez jumped, reached with the new elevation for the brick…and missed. Accelerating towards the ground at a rate of nine-point-eight meters per second squared, Jez began to fall. Kana turned and saved her, but that left nothing to hold her up, so they both fell. Not wanting to be left out, Matt jumped off the wall to cling on to the falling duo. Taking note of the previous wacko's mistakes, and his own personal limits, Scott was only able to come up with one idea in the seconds it took the falling wackos to reach him. Clinging tightly to the wall, Scott kicked out his beaver-like costume tail, and the falling mass was able to grab hold of it.

"It's a good thing that you are not a _real_ platypus or this would really be killing you right now wouldn't it?" Kana asked.

Scott couldn't help but privately complement her acute timing on picking the most inappropriate time to have him reiterate his devious story about being an indigenous platypus that should be ignored. He bit his tongue and gained a better grip on the wall.

"Now what?" Jez asked.

"We could just hang here until Obi rescues us." Kana commented.

"That's a plan." Matt added.

"I don't think so." Scott replied, struggling to hold the wall.

Matt held back a smile, he couldn't resist. "This is _bad karma._"

No sooner had Jez and Kana punched matt and Scott adding a little kick had the stitches in the beaver tail began to snap. _Now, I'm really glad I'm not a platypus_, he thought to himself.

"Hello, nice wackos." Said a voice so close, that Jez screamed and slapped at the voice. The creature fell a little in surprise, but was able to regain its footing. At second glance, the group realized that the creature was Gollum.

"Silly wackos, mustn't dwell here, no. That tail will not hold the three of yous. But we can help." Gollum replied as another set of stitches snapped.

_I'm so glad that I'm wearing pants right now_, Scott though, feeling the hole in his costume. With perfect balance and ease, Gollum pulled Matt to safety, then Kana, then Jez. Then he ran up ahead to offer support for that last brick that had caused too many problems.

Jez, who had climbed up last, couldn't help but feel a little charmed at the creature's heroic rescue. Any thought was quickly obliterated when he smiled at her, revealing teeth in serious need of dental work.

"We saved yous, yes, yes we dids. You would have been pancakeses on the ground but we saves yous!" Gollum said triumphantly. He then proceeded to kiss Jez's hands which caused her to yell in the wacko copy-righted high pitched squeak. The squeak seemed to reverberate off of the canyon and echo for miles away in the distance.

_On the dawn of the second day of your journey, when all hope looks lost, climb as high as you can, and you will know what you need to do._

_That's it,_ the three wackos thought at once. With no further dialogue, the three began to squeal at high pitches. Gollum was so excited, that he too tried to squeal with them. Not really wanting to be left out in this cinematic moment, Scott too attempted to squeal with them, as together they created a unique sound that could have been heard from the other side of Middle Earth.

"We should stop and ask for directions." Galadriel said.

"We are _not _stopping to ask for directions!" Gandalf replied.

"Can't you just admit that we are lost, I mean, what is it with men and asking for directions." She replied.

"It's political," Elrond replied, and that was the end of that conversation.

Galadriel sighed and asked for the entire traveling army to take a break.

"Why do we stop now?" Elrond asked a little annoyed.

"It is now dawn." She replied.

"Yes, and…?" Gandalf pleaded.

"My dress is a 'day dress', it only clashes with the dawn. I must change."

"What is it with women and being a fashion fanatic?" Elrond asked.

"It's complicated." Galadriel said with a small hint of a smile, and that was the end of that conversation.

With that, Galadriel walked off to her portable wardrobe.

The rest of the army waited for ten minutes when the silence was interrupted by a high pitched squeal. Gandalf's eyes lit up and almost began to water.

"There is still hope." He said to himself. "Come now Elf Armada, we ride towards the east!"

Needing no further instructions, the army climbed onto their horses and rode in the direction of the squeals.

"Must…have...coffee..." Herr Weh ached. All around him, his armies fell to the effects of the caffeine withdrawal syndrome. Only Obi-Wan, Spock, and Yoda seemed unaffected by illness, but the battle had gone on for so long without a bathroom break. But not urination or Hershey-squirts could have moved them from their post; they were determined to defend Helm's Ditch down to the last breath of clean underwear. All around them, however, the Orcs and iFruityki had invaded the fortress, they only had to remove that one final threat to claim ownership of the Keep and gloat over the coffee deprived soldiers.

Just then, the power cell in Spock's Phaser depleted, a Ki had chopped off the crystal chamber of Obi-Wan's Lightsaber, and Yoda's back gave out. With unwavering determination, Spock and Obi-Wan brought their hands up to attack position—they were going to fight hand to hand against the Orc's sharp weapons. But before any minion could raise a weapon, a horn sounded off in the distance.

Over the hill a small group of soldiers could be seen from the top of the canyon.

"The Vikings of Rohan!" Spock said eagerly. 'And lo!' he was partially right, for this was the horn of the Minnesota Vikings. The three had almost relaxed their fight when the team ran right past them, fumbling footballs and dropping passes in their wake. In a matter of seconds, the team had passed and only the sounds of the shrieking wackos could be heard.

"Eliminate them!" The leader of the Orcs called. The group had once again raised their shields, swords, and spears, ready to attack the defenseless trio. Then, off in the distance, another horn sounded, this one mightier than the first. From the base of the ditch, a sea of blue-cloaked figures rushed to their aid.

"It worked…" Scott said a little surprised.

"And look who is with them!" Jez noted.

"Gandalf!" Gollum cheered.

"He's here to save Obi!" Kana added.

"But how do we get back down?" Matt noted.

Jez considered a reenactment of Matt's shield-sled idea, but the drop was too big. Kana proposed that they simply climb back down, seeing how far they needed to go could give vertigo to an airplane pilot. Matt suggested that they fly down, but the absence of wings didn't picture a happy ending to the plan.

"I'm serious!" Matt suggested. "All we have to do, according to _the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy,_ is to throw ourselves that the ground and somehow miss."

"That's a lot of earth to _miss_," Jez added.

"No, no! Nice wacko has a point!" Gollum chimed in. "Follow us!" With that, Gollum jumped as high as he could and then dived right into the roof, which was currently serving as the floor. The creature did not fly, but was able to make a hole into the spire, revealing a flight of stairs."

"If that was there the whole time…" Scott pondered, but no one really wanted to think about that anymore.

"Retreat! Retreat!" The Orc leader shouted over the waves of Elf soldiers.

The five tower climbers exited a door and returned to the ground level to watch as the Orc army that had caused so many problems this day fled.

"You could really use a white balance." The Orc that was holding Scott's camera said from his pinned location.

"Oh…ah…thanks." Scott said as he received his camera.

"But other than that, I got some great zooms! And when the sun's rays glistening over the incoming Elf army it was quite cinematic."

"Great, thanks." Scott cheered.

"It's been a pleasure helping you on your project. But I have to go now." With that, the Orc pulled the arrows out of his clothes, dusted himself off and ran off with the rest of his kin.

"Good-bye." Scott called.

"By-By!" the three Wackos squeaked in unison.

Stopping at the edge of the Keep, the Elf soldiers drove out the last Orc, and then raised their swords and bows in triumph.

Well folks that's all for now. We hope you've enjoyed the latest chapter. Don't forget to review on your way out! Thanks for reading!

Kana, Matt, Jez, Scott


	6. Chapter VI “The Road Less Traveled”

Disclaimer: I don't think I really own anything from this story except myself and my writing style. Star Wars, Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, are works of other people who have more money than I do. Come to think about it, I don't even own the Three Wackos! But I am friends with them… So with all of that legal stuff out of the way, just relax and enjoy the story and try not to think too much about how illegal it is.

**Chapter VI- "The Road Less Traveled."**

"I'm not injured, really." Obi-Wan pleaded.

"Nor am I. Tis' but a small cut." Legolas replied.

"It's okay, you two big babies, I'm going to take car of you, and heal you, and love you, and…"

"No, my friends, for now you must stay here." Gandalf ordered. "We have much to discuss."

"Like what?" Jez asked.

"I bet it's about what adventures we ride off to next!" Matt exclaimed.

"Just ignore the camera," Scott said, bringing his camera into record mode.

"Well…I thought that you wanted to know how I escaped the Mall of Moria." Gandalf said.

No one really cared at this point, all they wanted as to rest, eat, and use the bathroom. But considering that there was a long line at the mess hall and the toilet, they decided to rest and let him tell his story.

"As I saw the four of you leave to safety, I allowed myself to plunge into the depths of Mall's sewers. From the biggest bargains to the lowest point I battle the wicked rodent down to the bottom."

"May I enquire as to what transpires next?" Spock, the only person really interested, asked.

"His Flatulent Fireballs were of no particular use in the water, but his tail still made for a nasty whip. With what little air left within my lungs I fought the beast, and was able to pull free my staff, and I was able to create a magical mouse trap. Floating back to the top, I let the creature free into Fanghorn Forest to play with the Ents, it was then that I realized that I did not need a new robe after all; it just needed a good cleaning. And so, from my battle under the sea, I became Gandalf the White."

"Under the sea, under the sea," The four students sang in unison.

"But I come back to you now at the turn of the tide; my side quest to reunite men and elves is but a small speck of the journey that is still before us, before you four. We have defeated Saruman's army, but he will make another one if we do not act quickly. We must leave immediately."

"But the Elves just brought coffee!" Jez protested.

"They still haven't fed us!" Kana added.

"And the line for the bathrooms hasn't shortened." Matt noted.

"And I haven't gotten any post-battle footage." Scott whimpered.

"For three lifetimes of the earth I have waited for events to unfold, but now we have no time."

"Okay," the four said in unison.

"Are we there yet?"

"I still have to go to the bathroom."

"Why couldn't Legolas join us again?"

"Who wants to be interviewed by the platypus?"

"Don't make me turn this group arrou- oh never mind."

The reformed fellowship walked the entire night, without coffee, and Gandalf still could not figure out where all of their energy had come form. But he would have to worry about it for a little longer, for the great circle of Isenguard came into view.

"Okay question," Matt asked. "Who has enough free time to make a giant statue of a hand?"

"I think it represents the struggle of unity and diversity surrounded by economic despair in third world countries and Russia." Jez noted thoughtfully.

"Did somebody say Russia?" Kana asked.

"I think it just looks like a giant hand." Scott noted.

"You need to have an eye for art to receive the full feeling of the artist, the emotion, the raw passion, the symbolization," Jez replied.

"No, no," Spock interrupted. "I do believe that Scott has a point."

"The 'Welcome to Isenguard' sign beneath it does give it away." Obi-Wan pointed out.

"'Giant Hand sculpted by: Saruman'" Yoda said, reading off of a plaque.

"We're afraid that we're with them on this one, precious." Gollum whispered to Jez.

"Sigh okay, okay, but you all still don't have an eye for art." Jez said.

"Did somebody mention Russians?" Kana said cheerfully.

It wasn't hard to find out where Saurman lived in Isenguard, towering above the dead trees, weapon factories, and iFruityki breeding grounds, the tower of Isenguard was quite noticeable.

"You're trespassing!" called a voice, and from the fifty times that he had watched Star Wars Episode II, Matt knew it was Saruman.

"Cover your ears," Gandalf ordered. "His words are like poison, and can hypnotize you."

"I thought that only worked on the week minded." Obi-Wan noted.

"We are trespassing…" Gollum said in a zombie-like state.

"Do you want to be the one who finds out the hard way how weak minded you are?" Gandalf asked the group.

"Now leave, while doing the 'Funky Chicken' and singing 'Cha-cha-cha'." Saruman called, and Gollum began to follow orders.

"See what I mean?" Gandalf inquired. The rest of the group nodded.

"Allow this to continue, I cannot." Yoda said, holding back the laughter of his rival. "He, he, help him we must." Yoda whispered to Matt. "Protect you from his words I can, by the Force." Matt nodded.

"Now listen here, you bully!" Matt said as he left the group and approached Saruman.

"What kind of person would deprive the land of Rohan coffee? What kind of person would sell out mankind for DSL? What kind of person would humiliate a defenseless being by making him do the 'Funky Chicken'? With that said, you make an excellent Count Dooku."

"I know not about this Dooku of which you speak of, but I do know that you are trespassing I would be very happy if you all left!"

"You seem to have a disability of recognizing friend and foe." Gandalf said as he broke away from the group. "You join the ranks of the Emperor and yet you cannot recognize the fellowship of the bookmark when they are at your doorstep."

"My petunias!" called a voice from inside. After a few moments Wormtounge appeared on the balcony with Saruman. "You horticulture fiends, you are standing in my garden! Get out, get out, get out!"

Both Gollum and Yoda picked this particular point to do a little dance with lots of stomping. Even Spock held back a small giggle.

"Why do you lay these troubles on an already troubled mind?" Wormtounge asked.

"Saruman's mind must be troubled indeed if he trusts the promises of one such as the He-who-must-not-be-named." Gandalf replied.

Saurman rolled his eyes. "It is not _me_ he is referring too. Apparently, his failure to poison the minds of Elves has produced a…unique result."

"I shall leave you two to whatever ends you wish to continue as," Gandalf said (which naturally confused everyone except him). "But I must ensure the safety of Rohan before our journey continues. Case in point, I will give you one chance for unconditional surrender."

"Your proposition is all too nice, _old_ friend. But I do not whish for this atrocity to remain with me. As for my surrender, I have nine good reasons why it is you who should surrender to me." With that, Saruman raised his staff and the clouds above darkened.

"Afraid of the thunder, we are not!" Yoda exclaimed, hiding a quivering Gollum behind him.

"Thunder, my impish friend, is the least of your concerns," Saruman said, his voice beginning to echo and his eyes beginning to glow.

Then, the fellowship heard it. It was a piercing sound that could stop the heart of a small woodland creature, a sound that put nails on a chalkboard to shame. From the distance, nine riders clothed in black cloaks riding upon rabid donkeys marched towards the group swashing their large, jagged swords.

"Run!" Gandalf commanded as the rain began to fall. The group went to hide behind a rock while Gandalf brought his staff into a defensive position.

"Fascinating," Spock said as he scanned the area with his tricorder. "A most unprecedented presence."

"Okay, we're in German and Spanish classes at school and none of us have any idea what it is, exactly, that you just said." Matt replied.

"Translate for you I will! Speak many languages I do." Yoda offered.

"Their biosignatures an acute trace of ectoplasm and carbon based sugars." Spock continued.

"Neither living, nor dead they are." Yoda translated.

"Their body structure suggests a heavy influence of an external force on their evolutionary abilities."

"They were tortured and then perfected by the emperor."

"Carbon dating suggests that they are nearly four years dead, and once resided to a tropical, Terran location. Historical records also indicate that they held high offices and created a historical impact in a battle for power."

"They are the Palm-Beach, Florida re-counters mentioned in the poem."

"They appear to resonate intense fluctuations in force."

"Their power: unstoppable, their courage: unwavering, their ambition: unfaltering, they will not rest until their mission to annihilate us is complete."

"How do we stop them then?" Kana asked.

"Uncertain." Was Spock's only reply.

"The Green-blooded Elf has absolutely no idea." Yoda translated. Spock gestures the closest thing to a scowl that a Vulcan can give, Yoda responded with a wide grin, understanding that his translating services were no longer needed.

"They will hunts us." Gollum whispered, greatly intimidated. "Always looking for the preciouses they are. They wants it for themselves, they want to take the precious back from us again, they will not stop hunting us until they get it back."

"I thought none of this was about a ring." Jez asked.

"A ring! Yes, this is about a ring, a ring is part of this. So are the tassel, and the picture. The preciouses. They stole it from us!"

The four students gave a nervous glance at each other and the Three Wackos tucked their items deeper into their pockets. Gollum tried to cuddle himself into a ball and rest on the rock.

"They takes it from us. They dids so before. They hurts us, they hurts us." Gollum continued. "They thinks they even kill us, but no! We shows them, didn't we? We hid in a cave, a dark cave, and we lives there. Changed we did, even forgot what it was that we did, but never forgets what the Wraiths dids to us."

"It was you." Matt said thoughtfully. "You were the one Elrond mentioned, the original inventor of the bookmark."

"'_So many page so little time_

_ But to lose the page is such a crime. _

_ Create a beacon to find my place_

_ And endless searches I erase._"

_ I built a tool with good a good intention,_

_ But steel they do, my great invention!'_" Gollum rhymed. At that moment, thunder crashed, the Wraiths shrieked, and Gandalf began to attack them.

"Let them harm you again, we will not." Yoda said to his friendly rival.

"We have come too far to hide behind a rock." Obi-Wan added.

"There is certainly strength in numbers." Spock noted.

"Then what are we waiting for?" Matt asked.

"Let's get them!" Kana cheered, falling to Obi-Wan's side.

"This would be a tremendous fight sequence," Scott said.

"Charge them!" Jez yelled.

'And Lo!' if you had ever seen such a sight, Gandalf's perilous battle was eased as the Fellowship of the Bookmark rushed form behind the rock to join him. Obi-Wan and Yoda activated their Lightsabers and began parrying attacks. They were able to catch one rider off guard and knocked him off of his donkey. The confused rider staggered around for a bit until he was pelted by rocks from the four students while Spock carefully administered a Vulcan Nerve Pinch to the rabid Burro.

One by one, the riders fell, their loud shrieks no longer having their affect. But finally, the group came to one last rider, the leader, Whitchking. His armor was thicker, this donkey was more rabid, and he had a nifty cape that really gave him the intimidating look.

Obi-Wan was the first to charge, but the Whitchking easily pushed him aside. Yoda charged next, but the donkey easily dodged him. Spock was almost successful in sneaking up on the creature until the donkey kicked back his hind legs. The Whitchking blocked all of the stones hurled by the wackos with great ease. Only Gandalf seemed to have any luck in defending the rest from him. As the three mentors and Gandalf constantly tried to defeat the Whitchking, the four students watched from a safe distance.

"We have to help Obi!" Kana noted.

"But how, he literally dodges everything we throw at him." Jez replied.

"Maybe if we gave him a bouquet of flowers, we could magically dispel the evils from within him," Scott suggested. Kana and Jez gave him a peculiar stare.

"Flowers…" Matt said. And with that, he ran back to the tower. "Hey, Wormtounge!" He called.

Wormtounge once again reemerged to the balcony, sidestepping the spell casting Saruman as if it had just became a piece of furniture.

"You are standing in my petunias!" Wormtounge hissed again. "Have you no inhibitions, no respect for horticulture?"

"I grew a plant in Science class once, then I fed it Pepsi." Matt replied.

Wormtounge looked as if he was going to cough up a hairball at that remark. "Gah! You mean person!"

"Yoda, Kana, Jez, Scott, come here, we need to show Wormtounge the official dance of the wackos."

"Perhaps it is best if we leave this part out." Scott said to the camera before turning it off. He moved into position, fully understanding part of Matt's plan now.

With small squeaks of excitement, Kana and Jez moved into position, even Yoda had an energetic grin on his face.

"I would appreciate it if…YOU ALL GET OUT OF MY GARDEN!" Wormtounge yelled.

"Hit it!" Yoda said. From nowhere in particular, Kana pulled out a large CD player and pressed play, and throughout the entire city of Isenguard, the sound of the "Cotton Eyed Joe" could be heard.

"You cannot be serious…" Wormtounge squealed. The five dancers heavily empathized their steps into the ground, smothering dozens of petunias as they went. "You asked for it," Wormtounge hissed as he left the balcony.

"Get ready," Matt whispered to Yoda.

From above, Wormtounge's footsteps could be heard returning to the balcony. Seconds later, a small vase came flying over the edge. But before the projectile could hit anyone, Yoda used the force to hurl the vase towards the Whitchking. However, with great proximal senses, the Whitchking knocked the vase away with only seconds to go until impact.

"Okay, no problem," Matt problem solved. "We're just going to keep dancing."

Kana turned the volume up and the group shifted a little so that they could smother another patch of plants.

"My Azaleas! Not my Azaleas!" Wormtounge cried as the left the balcony once more.

"Plan 'B'," Matt whispered to Yoda.

From above, a lamp was tossed down, but this time, Yoda used the Force to carefully bring it down, and drag it around the floor along with the beat. This only further enraged Wormtounge, and he proceeded to throw everything he could lift. Eventually, toasters, couches, computers, and encyclopedias came falling like rain, but Yoda simply combined them to form one larger mass that scraped up the garden even more, and the group kept dancing.

The "Cotton Eye Joe" became the only sound that Wormtounge could hear anymore. The blood in his veins pumped to the beat. Like most songs, it was probably liked more for it's dancyness than its words. _Gah! Now I'm thinking about it!_ Wormtounge thought to himself. _Gah! Now I'm humming it! They will pay! _He hurled the refrigerator, the TV, the little round ball that Saruman kept using to communicate with the Emperor, and finally, the kitchen sink.

It was at this point, the Saruman became very self aware of his surroundings, as if he had just waken up. "Wormtounge," he said calmly, "what are you doing?"

"They are tearing up my garden, and I had to stop that racked they are dancing to!" Wormtounge replied.

"Please, tell me that you did not just throw out the palantir."

"Well, I might have gotten a little carried away…"

"Please tell me that palantir is still resting safely in the living room, I need to hear these words."

"Well, was it round? Like a bowling ball."

"Yes…"

"That orb you used to talk to the Emperor…"

"Yes…"

"He, he…um…haven't seen it."

"So you didn't throw it off the balcony? Don't lie to me Wormtounge." Saruman still sounded awfully calm.

"Well, I might have gotten a little excited, and it really does look like a bowling ball, and-…"

"-You threw it…"

Wormtounge gulped. "Yes…"

"Not a problem then."

"Really?"

"No, seriously, not a problem." Saruman said calmly. Then, he picked up Wormtounge by the collar and lifted him over the edge. "Not a problem as long as you BRING IT BACK!" And with that, Wormtounge learned how powerful gravity really was as he fell towards the ground. Yoda was tempted to add him to the large mass of home appliances that he had created, but that wouldn't be really healthy. Feeling a little sorry for the creature, Yoda slowed the falling Wormtounge down…just a little, and he hit just as the Cotton Eye Joe ended, and fainted.

"A large projectile we have, yess," Yoda noted. "But agile the Whitchking is, will take much concentration so we waste not."

"If only we could distract him for a second." Scott noted.

"If only we had…" Jez started.

"Gollum!" Kana finished.

"What?" Matt asked.

"Gollum!" Kana said, pointing back to the Whitchking.

Up ahead, the once petrified mentor was now clinging to the Whitchking's helmet like a monkey.

"You stoles it from us! You takes it from us! And then you hurts us!" Gollum said, banging on the helmet.

"He's got him pinned!" Matt exclaimed, and with one further nod, Yoda released the objects and hurled it at the Whitchking.

"And…" Gollum stopped, and his eyes became very big as he saw what was coming at him. "And we forgives you, bye." He said quickly, and leapt away just as the Whitchking was pummeled by the objects. The leader fell to the floor, and all of the wraiths and their rabid stallions disappeared in a green puff of smoke.

At that very moment, the storm clouds resided, and the land of Isenguard filled once more with the energetic rays of sunshine resting against a beautiful blue sky. All was peaceful once again, except for the clearly visible land of Al'Gore, as Mount Dune erupted.

"Wormtounge!" Saruman called, "have you gotten my orb back yet?"

"It appears as though your powers are weakening," Gandalf replied back.

Saruman looked around, and became appalled by how wonderful his city suddenly looked, and he pulled part of his cape over his head to shield his eyes. "Do you really think that you can still defeat the Dark Emperor?"

"There is always hope." Gandalf replied. "So I give you one last chance to dispel the lies the Emperor has spoken to you, and join us."

"Never!"

"Then you have made your choice. Saurman the Wise, I release you!" With that, Gandalf held up his shinny clean staff and a bolt of lightening from no particular whereabouts struck Saruman's staff and broke it in two.

"How could you do this to me?" Saruman asked angrily. "Not only have you destroyed my only source of power, but the magic contained in this staff is what cooks and cleans for me! How will I survive?"

"Oh, I believe that you will find some alternatives." Gandalf said while nudging the unconscious Wormtounge that laid before him. Saruman screamed and ran to his room.

"Almost feel sorry for him, I do. Perhaps a present we shall leave." Yoda said as he used the Force to levitate Wormtounge back to the balcony and after the sobbing Saruman.

"Isenguard poses no further threat to the inhabitants of Middle Earth." Gandalf said with a sigh of relief. "But there is still much to do about one remaining source of power."

The Three Wackos nervously looked back at Gollum, who was cheerfully chasing a butterfly.

"There is no need to fear him," Gandalf said, as if reading their minds. "He is not the creature that you believe he is. On the contrary, as long as he sees that his invention is needed, that it is worth fighting for, he will never become the monster that you fear."

"You know how this story is supposed to go?" Matt asked.

"To me, it is no story, it is my life. But there are some memories that even the Space-Time Continuum cannot remove. I know how this war is supposed to evolve from my standpoint. 'The Lord of the Rings' I believe it is called. But my guess is that reality, as I know it, has changed for a reason. That you and your mentors are here for a reason, and as long as these values hold true, we may yet have some hope of defeating the Emperor."

"Cool, then where are we going next?" Scott eagerly asked, but he was met with a small sigh from Gandalf.

"That depends on your concept of 'we'. I wish that I could have gotten to know you four better. I wish that I could have been around longer to help you, to teach you about this land. But time is running out, armies loyal to the Emperor from across this world are now gathering at the gates of Al'Gore. He plans to unleash a vicious attack on Minas Tirith, the capital city of Men."

"That's bad," Kana noted.

"Their armies are weak, and will be caught off guard, but if I can gather the armies of Rohan, the Elves, and the Dwarves, we may have just enough power to save the city. While the Emperor's forces concentrate on that, you four will slip into Al'Gore uncontested and unnoticed. Alone, you four must find your way to the inside of Mount Dune, and cast the pieces of the bookmark into the flame, and rid the world of the Emperor. It will be no easy task, especially when separated from your mentors, but I need their abilities with me to save Gondor from annihilation and you will not be easily noticed if it is just the four of you. I know that I ask a lot, but will you accept this change in plans, Bookmark Bearers and Platypus?"

"Sure!" Scott cheered.

"Sounds like a plan!" Matt exclaimed.

"We can do it!" Kana rooted.

"We will not fail!" Jez concluded.

Gandalf was quite surprised at their enthusiasm in the face of danger, but couldn't have been more proud of his fellowship. "Then go, and make Middle Earth proud. Ride to the east and may the wind be blowing at you backs. " He said. The four gave him an odd look, decided in context that it must have been a complement. With unprecedented energy, the four students packed up their belongings, said goodbye to their mentors and then sprinted off over the hill.

"They were very fascinating creatures. Illogical, but fascinating." Spock noted.

"Very peculiar indeed, but I have faith that they can do this." Obi-Wan added.

"May the Force be with them." Yoda replied.

"Goodbye fascinating, illogical, and peculiar creatures, may the Force be with yous." Gollum yelled, never wanting to be outdone.

"Wackos really are amazing creatures. You can learn all that there is to know about their ways in a month, and yet, after a hundred years, they can still surprise you."

But after a minute, the four returned over the edge of the hill.

"Hey Gandalf!" Jez called.

"Which way is east?" Kana asked.

"What? Oh, it's that way." Gandalf said pointing east.

"Great." Matt replied.

"Thank yous." Jez added.

Scott gave Gandalf the thumbs up and the group re-retreated over the hill.

"Yes indeed," Gandalf whispered. "They can still surprise you."

Well folks that's it for now. We hope you've enjoyed the latest chapter. With luck you should be seeing another one by the end of the week. Don't forget to leave a review!

Kana, Matt, Jez, Scott


	7. Chapter VII “The Land of Al’Gore, Where

Disclaimer: I don't think I really own anything from this story except myself and my writing style. Star Wars, Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, are works of other people who have more money than I do. Come to think about it, I don't even own the Three Wackos! But I am friends with them… So with all of that legal stuff out of the way, just relax and enjoy the story and try not to think too much about how illegal it is.

**Chapter VII- "The Land of Al'Gore, Where Shadow Lie."**

"I'm beginning to see why cars were invented." Matt panted.

"How could Tolkien be so cruel to make his characters walk so far?"

Kana added.

"Are we due for a change of chapter soon?" Jez wondered.

"Look up six lines." Scott replied.

The four had traveled quite a distance, considering that an Ent had brought them most of the way, up to Minas Mongol, the Dead City. Despite several practical jokes from Matt, the four were able to pass through the haunted palace, and cross into the land of Al'Gore.

"Well I must say that I am very impressed," said an older voice from behind.

The four students turned around to see…nothing. _That voice…_ Scott thought.

"Even with my incredible foresight abilities, I never dreamed that your little fellowship could have made it this far," the voice continued.

"Congratulations, a sincere congratulations."

Then they saw him. The voice was coming from a shadow on the ground, but when the Wackos tried to backtrack it to an image, they found that the shadow was being emanated from…nothing.

"But I am terribly afraid that I must take that bookmark back from you," the voice insisted, and the shadow began to "step" towards them.

"Wait!" Scott interrupted. "What is your position on abortion?"

"What kind of question is that?" the shadow asked.

"A very important one."

"Well, I guess I'm a little pro choice."

"And the Death Penalty?"

"Hooky smoky, I don't like it."

Scott turned to the rest of the group and whispered "democrat." Kana's eyes lit up with sudden realization.

"Tommy Lee Jones!" she exclaimed.

"Michael Moore!" Jez guessed.

"President Bush?" Matt asked.

"Gosh jolly gee. No, no, and 'H', 'E', double hockey sticks no! You don't recognize the Emperor when you see one?"

"Al Gore!" The Three Wackos exclaimed.

"In the flesh, well, maybe not. But that will change in due time." The shadow said, and it resumed its intercept coerce towards the group.

"Look!" Kana excitedly pointed out. "It's Rod Stewart!"

Al, Jez, and Matt all looked to see, but Scott pulled the trio with him into a sprint.

"I wanted to see Rod Stewart!" Matt said.

"I don't think he was really there," Scott said urging the group to keep running. Kana decided that now was not a good time to say something because at this very moment, Al Gore's Shadow was getting Stewart's autograph. Up ahead, the volcano of Mount Dune grew into view.

"Almost…there…." Jez panted.

"And yet so far," came Gore's voice yet again. The four turned around, only to see the shadow emerge from some crack in the ground. "I still don't see why you resist, I clearly won the majority of the votes, it's that Electoral College that hardly anyone knows about that suppresses me here. So what if seventy percent of the voters were Orcs?"

"This is what you bring with your majority vote?" Matt asked, waving his hand towards the background, the Emperor's Tower (which looked a lot like a replica of the Oval Office), polluted rivers, unpaved roads, and used car lots all lied beneath the dark skies that surrounded the land of Al'Gore.

"We've been up and down and all around Middle Earth," Kana added. "We've seen what this land is supposed to look like. We've seen the flowers, the trees, the furry woodland creatures, the handsome Wood Elves. It was wonderful!"

"Then we've seen what your minions have done to these places. You turned a great mall into a rat house. Wormtounge almost killed the enchanted forest of Lothlórien with his poison, your Orcs and Ki nearly trampled Rohan to death, Saruman turned the beautiful city of Isenguard into a mechanical factory! And now you send your army's to destroy the great city of Minas Tirith."

"We come from a city where the majority of the people are Democrats," Scott concluded. "But through this feature you are looking a lot like the bad guy! You have no regard for nature, you have no regard for human life, you have no problem taking credit and passing blame, you're selfish to give away books and keep a bookmark for yourself, and you can't get over the election."

"Said you say?" The shadow replied calmly. "You four got your Oscar, now hear me out. In exchange for those three bookmark pieces, I am willing to give you a one way ticket back home. Think about it, did Elrond ever really tell you that dropping those pieces into my mountain would magically teleport you back? Or did he just say that you would save Middle Earth?"

The four looked at one another, he did have a point.

"But just as that bookmark had the power to bring you here," Al Gore continued, "it has the ability to bring you back. Think about now, how good is it to you if you toss it into a mountain and how useful can it be to you if you allow me to reforge it. You have the chance to go back home at this very instant, to leave Middle Earth behind, or you can refuse my offer and proceed on your perilous quest which may have you stuck here forever."

The four looked at one another. They communicated long and hard with just their eyes. Then, at last, they all made the mental agreement.

"This world that we fight for is not our own," Matt told the shadow.

"And for all we know, this is just a book," Kana added.

"And we don't have Gandalf and our Mentors to defend us," Jez admitted.

"Besides, even if we chose to continue, there's still no guarantee that we would even make it to Mount Dune," Scott concluded.

"Then you will accept my offer?" the shadow asked excitedly, already extending his hand for the bookmark.

"Ah…no," Scott replied.

"I don't think so," Jez added.

"In your dreams," Kana retorted.

"You'll have to pry it from our dead hands." Matt added. The other three looked at him as if that was not the most appropriate response at this very moment.

"Besides," Scott added. "This is '_the land of Al'Gore where shadows lie_'."

"And you are a shadow." Kana pointed out.

"So either you're lying, as in a stretched out horizontal position," Matt proposed.

"Or you're lying, as in not telling the truth!" Jez finished.

At that particular moment, thunder boomed and the clouds grew darker. From off in the distance, a horn sounded.

"Do you hear that?" the shadow asked. "That is the signal for my legion of minions to move out. Within a matter of moments, they will invade Gondor and attack Minas Tirith. Your friends are there, I believe, and they have no idea how outnumbered they are. They have no idea how quickly my armada will rip though their defenses and destroy all that they have fought so hard to protect. The battle of Helm's Ditch will be nothing like the massacre that will take place today."

The four students started to back away.

"Which means that everything depends on you four. You've made your choice to risk your lives to save this pathetic world, now it's time to act." With that, the shadow disappeared. Without hesitating, the four turned and ran as fast as they could to the volcano. Over the edge of the high road, they could safely see first hand the army the Emperor had gathered. Whether or not he was telling them the truth about their return home, the Three Wackos and the Platypus knew that the Emperor was not lying about them being Middle Earth's last hope.

"My tricorder has spontaneously combusted." Spock calmly noted, shoving his flaming hand into a bucket of water. "There were too many soldiers to take a reading of. Only a Starship's sensors could tell us exactly how many creatures are marching this way."

"Forty two little Orcses…forty three little Orcses…forty four little Orcses…." Gollum counted, nowhere near counting past the first line of the armada.

"Image all the coffee it would take to feed them," a rejuvenated Herr Weh noted.

"What I wouldn't give for you to come flying in with a Clone Army right about now." Obi-Wan said to Yoda.

"Some Jedi, at least." Yoda thoughtfully replied.

"I believe our only goal here is to protect this city and its people, and nothing more." Gandalf said somberly. "Our only hope for survival, our only hope for Middle Earth's survival, rests elsewhere." The Gandalf straightened up and squared his soldiers. "Obi-Wan, Gollum, Spock, and I will divide up and take command of Minas Tirith's soldiers. Elrond, Galadriel, Legolas, you three will take command of the Elves. Yoda, you have the Dwarfs. Herr Weh, the Army of Rohan I leave in your command."

With just a nod of acknowledgement, the leaders separated to join the soldiers under their command. Gandalf walked to the very top of the wall, so that all could see him.

"It has been a complete age of Middle Earth since the last time I have seen this." Gandalf spoke. "Men of Gondor, Men of Rohan, Elves and Dwarfs, united under one banner for the good of one world." The soldiers cheered. "But on the other side of that wall, an army even larger than last centuries approaches to destroy you all." The soldiers "boo"ed. "But combines with the help of a Wizard, a Vulcan, a Jedi, an Inventor, and…a little green pointy eared guy, with your bravery, courage, numbers, and hope, we fight today, so that the sun may rise up on a better, brighter, and more peaceful Middle Earth tomorrow!" The armies cheered, but Gandalf was left with a small predicament. After such a great speech, he had no idea how to end it. The only think he could think of was the one phrase that he remembered best from the wackos.

"Booooo-yaaaa!" Gandalf concluded. "Bo-ya!" the armies returned, and with that, they had the energy and motivation to fight in such an important battle.

The artificial entrance into Mount Dune came into view. _Almost there_, the four though to themselves. They grew closer and closer to victory with every sep they took. Their hearts were racing with excitement. _Almost there…_

But their hope was deflated, and a large and heavily armored person stood guarding the entrance.

"How cute." The figure replied. "Your friends have gathered all of my opposition into one location. Even if they somehow defeat my army, with the power of the bookmark, I shall crush them all at once." The soldier took off his helmet to reveal an a face with a nose that could only belong to a politician. The four jumped back, for they could all recognize the face of Al Gore.

"As a shadow, my abilities to take back my bookmark were quite limited. So I have come here to personally take it back from you." The Emperor said, as he swung about a giant sword. "I threw everything I had at you. My Wraiths, a Wizard, a creepy guy with the power to hypnotize an army of Elves against you, and army of Orcs and iFruityki, even a flatulent, fire wielding, rat. You fell into every trap I laid out before you, and you triumphed over them. But I'm afraid, that your journey ends here."

_A rat trap._ The group thought. Kana unzipped the Platypus's backpack. They had an idea.

"Why, why do you continue to resist me?" Al Gore asked. "You are outnumbered and out skilled. How can you have the means to continue when the odds are so clearly against you?"

"Because of hope." Kana replied. "We don't care about the odds."

"As long as hope prevails, it doesn't matter if we fight against ten or ten million Orcs." Scott added.

"We still have hope," Matt began, "because no matter how much evil exists in this world, no matter how much the odds are stacked against us-"

"-We have no inhibitions that tell us that we can't make it, that we cannot succeed." Jez concluded. "And as long as hope exists-"

"-We know that we can overcome any obstacle-" Matt continued.

"-We can rise above any perilous situation-" Scott added.

"-And give the sun a chance to rise tomorrow on a better humanity." Kana finished.

"How touching." The Emperor replied sarcastically. "Too bad words alone will not be able to save you!" With that, he raised his sword, to ax the group.

Scott reached through his unzipped backpack and thrusted the unopenable tripod into the ground, and the Three Wackos each took a leg and pulled with all of their might. 'And Lo!' the heavens above must have opened up on the group, for the tripod opened. The Emperor's sword hacked right into the middle of it, causing the tripod legs to close again, with Al Gore's sword still stuck within it.

"Did we mention that there is a little Wacko ingenuity thrown into the equation as well?" Jez asked.

The Emperor responded with a grunt and he pulled, with all of his might, trying to remove his sword from the trap.

"Run!" Scott commanded, and the trio ran into the Mountain.

The inside was nothing more than a cliff overlooking in the thousand foot drop into the magma below. Matt resisted the urge to grab Jez's shoulders and pretend to push her, but he decided that some jokes were just a little too dangerous.

"Something is wrong," Scott said, as he checked the Thermometer on his watch. "There's not enough volcanic activity."

"What do mean?" Kana asked.

"Someone is freezing the volcano." Scott said. The group listened for a moment, 'And Lo!' they could hear a voice. They looked up to the mouth of the volcano to see Saruman with his Duct Taped staff muttering an incantation.

"Wow, it really does fix anything." Matt muttered.

"A frozen volcano is a bad thing at this moment." Jez noted.

"Can we pelt him with a rock?" Kan asked.

"I don't think even Barry Bonds could hit a ball that high." Scott noted.

The four looked back down to the magma in unison.

"Wait, I saw something like this in the movie '_The Core_'."

"The what?" Jez asked.

"Does it have a cute guy in it?" Kana asked.

"They made a _Star Trek_ reference in there, didn't they?" Scott thought.

"'_The Core'_, I'm not going to be the one to make that decision, and only in the trailers," Matt responded to the questions respectively. "But they were going to jumpstart the core by detonating nuclear explosives."

"Oh well, that's nice." Kana said. "I wonder if Orlando Bloom could be in a remake of it…"

"Okay, but where do we get a nuclear bomb?" Jez asked.

"We may not need one." Scott thought. "The core is the size of Mars, we just need to activate a puny volcano."

"So if we had some small type of explosive…" Kana thought.

"Nothing major." Matt added.

"I could build a fire." Jez proposed.

"Wait, we might have something right here." Scott said. But at the next moment, he sighed. Scott stopped his camera and ejected the battery. "'Do not incinerate, battery may leak or explode'." Scott read.

"The magma should be just hot enough to explode it." Matt thought.

"But that means no more filming." Kana noted.

"You're feature would be incomplete." Jez added.

Scott looked to the volcano opening, and imagined how nice Al'Gore would look with just a little bit of sunshine. "It was fun anyway" he said as he chucked the battery over the cliff. Within seconds, an explosion could be heard, and the mountain shook.

"It's back to its old spewing self again." Kana said. From above, Saruman's voice could be heard chanting louder, but the volcano was too hot now to cool back down in such a short time.

The Three Wackos pulled out their bookmark pieces. Jez played with the tassel, Kana drooled over the picture of Legolas, and Matt got the ring stuck on his finger. But the sound of approaching footsteps caught Scott's attention. Al Gore stepped into the Mountain, he had given up his effort to save his sword.

"I will crush you with my bare hands." He said.

"Yipe!" Jez squealed, and tossed the tassel in.

Kana ceremoniously dropped the picture of Legolas.

Matt, however, couldn't get the plastic ring off. Despite the impending doom, Matt couldn't help but feel glad that Gollum wasn't here. But this happiness was short-lived as Al'Gore charged at him. In that fraction of a second, Matt twisted the ring, 'And Lo!' it came off. Matt flipped the ring backwards, into the pit, and then barrel rolled out of the way.

Al Gore slid across the floor and shoved his hand over the edge, and returned to a standing position, the plastic ring within his hand.

"Even with a third of my power, I can still at least defeat you four."

The four students stood in a line. Any other group might have lost hope at this point, but not them. Jez, Kana, and Scott, who had all had some Taekwondo lessons, punched and kicked the Emperor until he fell down. Matt then rushed on top of him, batted the ring out of his hand, and the four ran away as fast as they could.

"No…this cannot be…how…could….they…destroy…it?" Were Al Gore's last worlds as the Evil Emperor of Al'Gore. The plastic ring fell into the pit, and the volcanoe unleashed a torrent of lava that accelerated past the cliff and out of its mouth.

"Oh, oh." Was Saruman's last thought in Middle Earth as his staff was consumed by the lava and the force of the lava jettisoned him into some lake on a different country.

In Minas Tirith, the Imperial army that had already broken through the fortress's first wall, vanished is a cloud of smoke. Gandalf finished swinging at an Orc that was no longer there, and looked towards Al'Gore. It was the first time anyone had heard him laugh.

"They did it." He said to himself.

"Victory!" Obi-Wan and Herr Weh proclaimed as they ran through all parts of the castle.

Spock raised an eyebrow and managed to sneak in a little smile.

Galadriel raced towards her wardrobe to put on the dress that she had bought for the occasion if they emerged victorious.

Yoda and Gollum did a happy dance in the plaza of the palace as Jorge streaked across the castle.

"Those little Wackos did it." Elrond said, greatly relieved.

"Was there ever any doubt?" Legolas replied.

The rest of the soldiers tossed aside their shields and rejoiced.

In a land far away, the Village Idiot petted the Ent's giant pet rat goodbye, and frolicked out of the forest. "I made it out!" She cheerfully yelled, and she proceeded to sprint in to no particular direction.

But things were not so lovely in the land of Al'Gore. All around the four students, the city began to fall apart as the lava from the mountain engulfed the land. The four were able to squeeze themselves onto a bolder just above the flowing lava. But they were not scared, they did not lose hope, because they knew what was going to happen next. What had happened to the Wackos every time in the past. The clouds of Al'Gore blew away and the land was exposed to sunshine once again, and all of Middle Earth witnessed the great explosion of light, originating from the once dark land. All the four students could do was breathe a sigh of relief as the light engulfed them.

Well that's all for now hopefully the final chapter will be up in a day or so. In the mean time leave us a review to let us know what you thought!

Kana, Matt, Jez, Scott


	8. Chapter VIII “This Everyday Life”

Disclaimer: I don't think I really own anything from this story except myself and my writing style. Star Wars, Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, are works of other people who have more money than I do. Come to think about it, I don't even own the Three Wackos! But I am friends with them… So with all of that legal stuff out of the way, just relax and enjoy the story and try not to think too much about how illegal it is.

**Chapter VIII- "This Everyday Life"**

"I got it!" Kana squealed as she pulled the Legolas bookmark towards herself. Jez, Matt, and Scott, were too busy trying to lift the bookshelf off of them to contest her. Before the librarian showed up, the four quickly returned the shelf its normal upright position, and began to place the books back. Jez, however, seemed by be the only one who knew where the books really went. When the librarian came around the corner, the four gave her a wide grinned smile and pretended that everything was fine. When she turned her back, Matt grabbed the last book from behind his back and placed into the correct location. The he chuckled.

"'_Lord of the Rings_,' great book," Matt noted.

The rest of the group laughed.

"How ironic," Jez chuckled.

"Indeed," Scott replied.

"I got the Legolas bookmark!" Kana continued.

From outside, the bell rang, signaling the end of the school day. Through the library window, the four watched as Sarah, ran out of the classroom and splated herself against the window.

"Let's go see a movie." Jez suggested.

"Okay." Matt and Kana said at once.

Scott breathed a sigh of relief to see that the camera he was holding still had a battery inside of it.

"Do you want to come too?" The Wackos invited.

Scott looked at the tape resting inside of his camera. He needed a lot of time to edit such a feature. If he didn't start today, he would be strapped for time. "Okay." He eventually replied. He picked up his equipment and shoved in into his bag, also glad that his tripod didn't have a giant sword sticking out of it, because that would be a big violation of the school's "No Weapons" policy.

On the way out, Kana tried to give Matt back the bookmark

"All right, all right, you can keep it." Matt said while opening his book to reveal a second bookmark. "I'd rather stare at Arowen anyway." Jez rolled her eyes. "I got one for you too!" Matt said to her.

"Really?" Jez squeaked. Matt gave her the bookmark and Jez couldn't help but laugh and groan at the same time, Scott looked over her shoulder and laughed too. It was a bookmark with Gollum on it.

"So what movie are we going to see?" Scott asked.

"'_Return of the King_'." the three said in unison, and they all laughed as the walked out the door.

"By the way, Scott" Kana asked. "What does indigenous mean?"

Scott wondered where that question came from, until the door closed on his costume beaver tail.

As the character in the Platypus costume freed his tail and then struggled to take the costume off, the screen faded to black, and the credits began to roll.

I couldn't help but feel a small sense of pride as the entire audience applauded.

"That was excellent; you never cease to amaze me." Herr Weh said. "The special effects are a little off, but it's not like you could really get this footage naturally, right?"

"Oh…right," I replied with a slight ironic grin.

"I bet you put a lot of work into this, and with the play and everything, I can't believe how you found the time to pull it all off. Come to think about it, I don't even remember acting for you." Herr Weh commented.

"Oh, I guess I have my ways." I replied.

As the audience made their way to the exit, Herr Weh stopped me again. "Well however you pulled it off, you can count on an 'A'."

"Great, thanks." I replied.

"Not a problem, and now that this project is over, the play is done, I can't wait to see what project you come up with next." He said to me just before he left.

I couldn't help but give a weary grin. I really didn't want to think about that.

I also couldn't help but notice how everyone had left, leaving me to clean up the lab before I left for the day. But as I went to stop the tape, a section that I had never edited appeared after the credits.

I had seen the image so many times, I knew right away what I was looking at. It was the land of Al'Gore, only the sky was blue, the volcano was tame, and I could even see signs of trees growing off in the distance. The screen panned 180 degrees to a location I recognized as Minas Tirith. There, stood Gandalf, with a large grin on his face.

"Am I on?" He whispered. "I send this message to the Three Wackos and the Platypus. On behalf of Middle Earth, we thank you for you efforts, since you left before we had a chance to do so. I do not know how much longer we shall live in this reality before the flow of time goes back to normal, but its coming approaches everyday. Spock, Obi-Wan, and Yoda have already returned to their perspective realities, but they wish you the best, and hope to see you again…I think."

"Hello nice wackos!" came Gollum's voice as the creature grabbed the camera and held it in front of him. "Isn't it great? The peoples of Gondor have crowned us as their king! It is a surprise yes it is, perhaps we are not so hurt that they stoles the invention from us. Sméagol is the King! Boo-ya!"

I smiled as I watched Gandalf pry the camera back from Gollum.

"It is a bright tomorrow for Middle Earth, that is for sure, but we can only hope that things return to normal soon." The image of a dancing Gollum in the background stole the show for a second before Gandalf continued. "He can only hope. Live well wackos, and goodbye, that is, until we meet again." With that, the screen faded back to black and the "music" of Gollum singing had somehow lingered as the rest of the credits rolled by.

I knew that Matt, Kana, and Jez would have like to have seen this too, so I ejected the tape and decided to bring it with me when I went to go see them, but also hidden in my bag was my personal camera, whose battery was fully charged, for one never really knows what adventures await around every corner, what world needs saving, what morals to learn, and what worlds they will get sucked into, with Matt, Kana, and Jez. One must always be prepared for any endeavor, no matter how important or strange, when one hangs around the Three Wackos.

Well so ends yet another Wacko adventure we hope you have all enjoyed it and would like to once again thank our friend Scott for his fabulous job on creating this beast of a story! There are some deleted chapters from this one that I am working on getting edited and I'll posted them as soon as I'm done!

Kana, Matt, Jez, Scott


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